Relatively Speaking
by Love A Skoner
Summary: The sequel to my story Not Quite Right. Stephanie now has to try and survive through book ten, while trying to understand Ranger and his odd behavior.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own the Stephanie Plum series. _

**AN: This is the sequel to my story Not Quite Right. I hope you like it. I will try to update once a week, but sometimes RL gets a little crazy. Let me know what you think. **

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

Chapter 1

My name was Kole Peirce. I go by Stephanie Plum now. I woke up in the body of my favorite character, Stephanie Plum, a little over two months ago. I changed some things, but while doing so this life, Stephanie's life, has become mine. I don't know if I can ever go back to being me, but I know I don't want to. My life isn't perfect, but I love it. I love the new friends I have, the new family (even if they are a little crazy and annoying at times) that I now think of as my own, and the new job.

I'm a Bond Enforcement Agent, working for my cousin Vincent Plum, and I catch bad guys who are failure to appear. I'm not the best BEA in the world, but I am better than then real Stephanie, due to the fact that I am more trained than her.

An incredibly hot guy with the street name Ranger is the best. His real name is Ricardo Carlos Manoso and he is the guy I am completely in love with. He is also the guy I told all about my little body switch and all the little details about. I was so nervous about telling him, but he listened and accepted that I was telling the truth and not crazy. He had left my apartment and left me heartbroken, before returning moments later. He told me he needed to think, then he left. I gave him time to think. I didn't bother him and a week later he showed up at my door. He wanted me to tell him everything and I did.

I explained what I knew to him and he asked questions. After a few days of me explaining things as best I could and him asking question after question, he was back to acting like he had before I told him everything. He had explained that he had known something was up and he had told me all the things he noticed. He had even noticed things I didn't realize were different, like how I acted more confident and didn't moan as much when I ate. Yes, I still moaned just not as much. I think it might be Stephanie's taste buds because everything just tastes so much more amazing than before.

Okay I lied, I didn't tell him every little detail. I left out the part about me being totally and completely in love with him. He had agreed to be my friend, to talk to me, to spend time with me and he has, but I think that might be all I'll ever get.

Ranger knows me as much as anyone. He's one of my best friends and when he started calling me 'Babe' again I was so happy I almost cried (he had stopped for awhile while he thought through everything), but I didn't know how he felt about me so I was keeping my feelings to myself. Although he had been acting strange before I told about me, with light, loving kisses and letting his blank mask off. I didn't know what to make of it but he had stopped doing it since he found out everything. Not that I blame him. But I do miss it, even if it was weird.

I also don't plan on just letting it go. I'm going to give him some time to get used to the new me, and it is a new me pretty much. I changed my hair, clothes, and car from the old Steph, which also had a lot to do with the fact that I actually make a good amount of money whereas Steph didn't really. I'm going to give him some time and then I'm going to confront him about it. I want to know why he did those things and acted that way.

The other person who knows all about me is my sometimes partner and my other best friend, Lula. Lula is a former hooker who was hired to do the filing for the bail bonds office but spends a lot of her day trailing after me. She confronted me about my secret first and I told her everything, as well. She accepted it and me and I couldn't ask for a better friend. She's hilarious and understanding and just overall an amazing person. At the moment, Lula and I were standing in the parking lot of a deli-mart on Hamilton Avenue. We were about a half mile from the office and we were leaning against Lula's Firebird, trying to make a lunch choice. We were debating nachos at the deli-mart against a sub at Giovichinni's.

I was struck with déjà vu, this all seemed so familiar. I couldn't place why, so I shrugged it off.

"Hey," I said to Lula. "I'm thinking about joining a gym or maybe asking Ranger if he would be willing to help me get more training. What do you think?"

"I don't see why you would need to. You already look all thin and you be kick-ass already."

"Yeah, I lost a little weight but I need to work on my muscle strength and I can do enough to not get rolled in garbage or killed, but I'd like to be a little better and maybe learn some other skills."

"Okay, I could see that, but what 'other skills'" Lula asked, putting quotes on 'other skills'.

"I don't know, whatever he wants to teach me."

"Hunh. I think you just wanna spend time with Batman." Lula said, smiling widely at me. I rolled my eyes but didn't deny it.

"Damn girl, I wish I got to be with Batman as much as you." she continued. "I don't know what's so much better about you anyway, I mean he be lookin at you different now. It aint the same as before. It's like you started runnin and carryin your gun and all of a sudden he started seein ya different."

I raised my eyebrows at this. I hadn't noticed Ranger looking at me different, but then again he usually has his blank face on when I look at him lately.

"I'm just as badass as you. I might not be as tiny as you, White Girl but I always got a gun. I got a gun now. Just in case."

And Lula pulled a 40-caliber Glock out of her purse.

"I don't mind using it either. I'm good with a gun. I got an eye for it. Watch me hit that bottle next to the bike."

Someone had leaned a fancy red mountain bike against the big plate glass window in the front of the deli-mart. There was a quart bottle next to the bike. The bottle had a rag stuffed into it. Bells were going off in my head, now. I looked around then back at the bike, I knew this was important but I couldn't for the life of me remember why.

"No," I said. "No shooting!"

Too late. Lula squeezed off a shot, missed the bottle, and destroyed the bike's rear tire.

"Oops," Lula said, doing a grimace and immediately returning the gun to her purse.

A moment later, a guy ran out of the store. He was wearing a mechanic's jumpsuit and a red devil mask. He had a small backpack slung over one shoulder and he had a gun in his right hand. His skin tone was darker than mine but lighter than Lula's. He grabbed the bottle off the ground, lit the rag with a flick of his Bic, and threw the bottle into the store. He turned to get onto the bike and realized his tire was blown to smithereens.

"Fuck," the guy said. "FUCK!"

Fuck was right. I had stopped dead in my tracks and was staring at the kid in the red devil mask. I now knew why everything seemed so familiar, why I had felt like something was going on. This was exactly how book ten started. The scariest book, in my opinion. I really was not looking forward to the Junkman or the Slayers.

"I didn't do it," Lula said. "Wasn't me. Someone came along and shot up your tire. You must not be popular."

There was a lot of shouting inside the store, the guy in the devil mask turned to flee, and Victor, the Pakistani day manager, rushed out the door. I was aware of what was going on, but I couldn't move. I could feel the fear vibrating through my body. I'm sure I was pale and sweating by this point.

"I am done! Do you hear me?" Victor yelled. "This is the fourth robbery this month and I won't stand for any more."

"You are dog excrement!" he shouted at the guy in the mask. "Dog excrement."

Lula had her hand back in her purse.

"Hold on. I got a gun!" she said. "Where the hell is it? Why can't you ever find the damn gun when you need it?"

Victor threw the still lit but clearly unbroken bottle at the guy in the devil mask, hitting him in the back of the head. The bottle bounced off the devil's head and smashed against Lula's driver's side door. The devil staggered, and instinctively pulled the mask off. Maybe he couldn't breathe, or maybe he went to feel for blood, or maybe he just wasn't thinking. Whatever the reason, the mask was only off for a second, before being yanked back over the guy's head. He turned and looked directly at me, and then he ran across the street and disappeared into the alley between two buildings.

I knew I shouldn't of been looking at him, I should of looked at the ground the second I realized what was going on but I couldn't. I couldn't even move. The bottle instantly ignited when it hit Lula's car, and flames raced along the side and the undercarriage of the Firebird. This shocked me out of my fear and I could finally breathe again. I took a deep steadying breath and calmed tried to calm myself down. It worked. Sort of.

"Holy shit, my car!" Lula yelled, looking up from her purse.

"I'll pay for it." I said to Lula, pulling her back away from the flames and trying to calm her down.

It wouldn't help if we were both freaking out. Although I have to admit, I was a little happy I let Lula drive today. I really like my new car and don't want it to die. The happiness was brief. I couldn't believe it. It would seem that I was now going to have to try and survive through book ten.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own the Stephanie Plum series. _

**AN: Thanks for all the great reviews. They always make me smile. Here's the second chapter. Let me know what you think in a review. **

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_"Holy shit, my car!" Lula yelled, looking up from her purse._

_"I'll pay for it." I said to Lula, pulling her back away from the flames and trying to calm her down._

_It wouldn't help if we were both freaking out. Although I have to admit, I was a little happy I let Lula drive today. I really like my new car and don't want it to die. The happiness was brief. I couldn't believe it. It would seem that I was now going to have to try and survive through book ten._

Chapter 2

"You got bad car karma, " Lula said. "And now its affectin my cars, too."

"Hey! This wasn't my fault!" I kind of yelled. It's not like I lit her car on fire.

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Lula said. "You know when you say that you sound just like the old Stephanie." Lula continued.

I knew Lula missed Stephanie. We had talked about it and she told me that while she was going to miss Steph, I was so much like her that it was almost like she wasn't really gone most of the time.

Lula and I moved farther from the fire, knowing from experience that an explosion was a possibility. We stood patiently waiting, listening to the sirens whining in the distance, getting closer by the second. Morelli's unmarked cop car would be minutes behind the sirens. And somewhere in the mix of emergency vehicles Ranger would slide in to check things out.

I should probably explain about Joe Morelli. Morelli's a very sexy, very handsome Trenton cop. Morelli and I have a long history or well Morelli and the old Stephanie have a long history. Morelli is my ex. Breaking up with him was one the first things I did when I woke up as Steph. It's not that he's not a good guy because he is, it's just that he's not the right guy for me.

We are trying to be friends, but he still believes that I will change my mind about us. He says he understands, but he still tries to "seduce me" and tells me that "the boys miss you".

The thing is with Morelli being a cop is that I never have to call when disaster strikes. Seconds after the emergency call goes in on the robbery and car fire, describing Lula's Firebird, at least forty different cops, EMTs, and fire fighters will track Morelli down and tell him I've done it again.

"Maybe I should leave," Lula said. "There's all that filing back at the office. And cops give me the runs. You can take care of this, right?"

Not to mention she was illegally carrying a concealed weapon that was instrumental in this whole fiasco. "Did you see the guy's face when he pulled his mask off?" I asked her.

"No. I was looking for my gun. I missed that."

"Then leaving might be a good idea," I said. "Get me a sub on the way back to the office. I don't think they'll be making nachos here for a while."

"I'd rather have the sub anyways. A car fire always gives me an appetite."

And Lula took off power walking. Victor was on the other side of the car, stomping around and pulling at his hair. He stopped stomping and fixed his attention on me. "Why didn't you shoot him? I know you. You are a bounty hunter. You should have shot him."

"I'm not carrying a gun," I told Victor. Which was a lie. I had my gun, I always had my gun. I was just too scared to even think about my gun.

"Not carrying a gun? What kind of bounty hunter are you? I watch television. I know about these things. Bounty hunters always have many guns."

"Actually, shooting people is frowned upon in bond enforcement."

Victor shook his head. "I don't know what this world is coming to when bounty hunters don't shoot people."

A blue-and-white patrol car arrived and two uniforms got out and stood hands on hips, taking it all in. I knew both cops. Andy Zajak and Robin Russell. I had learned a lot about the cops. I knew almost all of them by name now. I saw them a lot and they all talked to me because apparently the real Steph knew them all. Zajak was riding shotgun. Zajak waved when he saw me. He said something to Russell, and they both smiled. No doubt enjoying the continuing calamitous exploits of Stephanie Plum. It helped me not want to kill them that this was really the first car I had destroyed since I became Stephanie. So technically it wasn't me they were making fun of.

A fire truck followed Zajak and Russell. Plus two more cop cars and an EMT truck. By the time Morelli arrived, the hoses and chemical extinguishers were already out and in use. Morelli angled his car behind Robin Russell's and walked across to me. Morelli was lean and hard muscled with wary cop eyes that softened in the bedroom, or so I have read. His hair was almost black, falling in waves over his forehead, brushing his collar. He was wearing a slightly oversize blue shirt with the sleeves rolled, black jeans, and black boots with a Vibram sole. He had his gun on his hip and, with or without the gun, he didn't look like someone you'd want to mess with. There was a tilt to his mouth that could pass for a smile. Then again, it could just as easily be a grimace.

"Are you okay?"

"It wasn't my fault," I told him.

This got a genuine smile from him. "Cupcake, it's never your fault."

His eyes traveled to the red mountain bike with the destroyed tire. "What's with the bike?"

"Lula accidentally shot the tire. Then a guy wearing a red devil mask ran out of the store, took a look at the bike, tossed a Molotov cocktail into the store, and set off on foot. The bottle didn't break, so Victor pitched it at the devil. The bottle bounced off the devil's head and crashed against my car."

"I didn't hear the part about Lula shooting the tire."

"Yeah, I figured it wasn't necessary to mention that in the official statement. And please stop calling me Cupcake." Morelli still called me Cupcake. I had told him numerous times to stop, but he wouldn't and it was kind of pissing me off. I wasn't Stephanie and he shouldn't call me that. Although, that might be a little hypocritical since I loved it when Ranger called me Babe, but I HAD asked Morelli to quit it and he hadn't. So, it's gonna piss me off until he does what I say.

I looked past Morelli, as a black Porsche 911 Turbo pulled to the curb. There weren't a lot of people in Trenton who could afford the car. Mostly high-level drug dealers... And Ranger. I watched as Ranger angled out from behind the wheel and ambled over. He was about the same height as Morelli, but he had more bulk to his muscle. Morelli was a cat. Ranger was Rambo meets Batman. Ranger was in SWAT black cargo pants and T-shirt. His hair was dark, and his eyes were dark, and his skin reflected his Cuban ancestry. No one knew Ranger's age. No one knew where Ranger lived or where his cars and cash originated. Well, besides me anyway. I knew how old he was and I knew where his cash came from and I knew where he lived or well at least where he had an apartment and slept sometimes. I didn't know where the Batcave was. Yet. Ranger had told me how old he was, although I already knew, but I had read about all those things in the books. He nodded to Morelli and locked eyes with me. Sometimes it felt like Ranger could look you in the eye and know all the stuff that was inside your head. It was a little unnerving, but it saved a lot of time since talk wasn't necessary. I was also getting better at understanding his silent communications. I think I might be getting a little of that ESP the real Stephanie always thought Ranger had.

"Babe," Ranger said. And he left.

Morelli watched Ranger get into his Porsche and take off. "Half the time I'm happy to have him watching over you. And half the time it scares the hell out of me. He's always in black, the address on his driver's license is a vacant lot, and he never says anything."

"What the hell are you talking about? He just spoke and I happen to think he looks amazing black. And vacant lot, really? I thought he had changed it to the Laundromat?" I answered.

"What the hell am I talking about? What the hell are you talking about? Cupcake, the guy's a mercenary."

Morelli playfully twirled a strand of my hair around his finger. Alright now he was just pissing me off. He had insulted my friend and called me Cupcake again. "You've been watching Dr Phil again, right? Oprah? Geraldo? Crossing Over with John Edward?"

"My name is Stephanie. Not Cupcake. And don't talk about Ranger. You don't even know him." I said, after smacking his hand away. Morelli looked angry for a second before letting out a breath. It seems like he finally remembered that we are just friends at the moment. Not very good friends either.

There was a loud phooonf sound from the underside of my car, flames shot out, and a steaming tire popped off and rolled across the lot.

"This is the fourteenth Red Devil robbery," Morelli said. "The routine is always the same. Rob the store at gunpoint. Get away on a bike. Cover your getaway with a bottle bomb. No one's ever seen enough to ID him."

"Until now," I said, knowing it was the right thing to do. Even if I really didn't want to even mention it. "I saw the guy's face. I didn't recognize him, but I think I could pick him out of a lineup."

An hour later, Morelli dropped me off at the bond office. He snagged me by the back of my shirt as I was leaving his unmarked seen-better-days Crown Vic cop car. "You're going to be careful, right?"

"Right."

"And you're not going to let Lula do any more shooting."

I knew he really did just want me safe. He always made it so hard for me to hate him for very long. "Sometimes it's hard to control Lula."

"Then get a different partner."

"Ranger?" I said, knowing it would piss him off.

"Very funny," Morelli said. He tried to kiss me goodbye and I turned my face to the side. He ended up kissing my cheek. He pulled away and stared at me.

"Look, I'm sorry. Joe, I can only be your friend. I told you this."

Joe looked like he was about to say something or more like yell it from the look on his face, but his pager buzzed and he checked the readout. He let out a breath. "I have to go," he said, shoving me out the door.

"Four sub's filed under S," Lula said when I swung through the door. "I got you capicolla and provolone and turkey and pepperoni with some hot peppers."

I opened the file and retrieved my sub. "There's only half a sandwich here."

"Well, yeah," Lula said. "Me and Connie decided you wouldn't want to get fat by eating that whole sub all yourself. So we helped you out."

Vincent Plum Bail Bonds is a small storefront office on Hamilton Avenue. Ordinarily a more lucrative location for a bonds office would be across from the courts or the lockup. Vinnie's office is across from the Burg, and a lot of Vinnie's repeat customers are local.

Connie is Vinnie's office manager. She's five foot four and looks like Betty Boop with a mustache. Her desk is positioned in front of Vinnie's small inner office, preventing the unsuspecting from walking in on Vinnie while he's on the phone with his bookie, taking a snooze, or having a private conversation with his Johnson. Also behind Connie's desk is a bank of file cabinets. And behind the file cabinets is a small stockroom packed with guns and ammo, office supplies, bathroom supplies, and assorted confiscated booty that mostly runs to computers, fake Rolex watches, and fake Louis Vuitton handbags.

I slouched onto the scarred dung-brown fake leather couch that was positioned against a side wall of the outer office and unwrapped the sub.

"Big day in court yesterday," Connie said, waving a handful of manila folders at me. "We had three guys fail to appear. The bad news is they're all chump change. The good news is none of them have killed or raped in the last two years."

I took the folders from Connie and returned to the couch. I was doing a lot more high bonds recently, but I was still doing the lower bonds as well. I had a pretty good amount of money. I could pay my bills and afford food. I was actually getting ready to upgrade my apartment. I didn't want to move, but I did want to get new furniture. It was kind of bare at the moment.

"I suppose you want me to find these guys," I said to Connie.

"Yeah," Connie said. "Finding them would be good. Dragging their asses back to jail would be even betta"

I flipped through the folders. Harold Pancek. Wanted for indecent exposure and destruction of personal property.

"What's the deal on Harold?" I asked Connie.

"He's local. Moved to the Burg three years ago from Newark. Lives in one of the row houses on Canter Street. Got drunk two weeks ago and tried to take a leak on Mrs. Gooding's cat, Ben. Ben was a moving target and Pancek mostly got the side of Gooding's house and Gooding's favorite rosebush. Killed the rosebush and took the paint off the house. And Gooding says she washed the cat three times and he still smells like asparagus."

Lula and I had our faces frozen in curled-lip grimaces.

"He doesn't sound like much of a threat," Connie said. "Just make sure you stand back if he whips it out to relieve himself."

I took a quick look at the two remaining files. Carol Cantell, wanted for holding up a Frito-Lay truck. This brought an instant smile to my face. Carol Cantell was a woman after my own heart. The smile turned to raised eyebrows when I saw the name on the last file. Salvatore Sweet, charged with assault. "Omigod," I said to Connie. "It's Sally!"

I had wanted to meet Sally Sweet since I first read about him. I thought he was awesome. This might be the only good thing to happen in book ten. Salvatore Sweet used to play lead guitar for a transvestite rock band. He helped the real Stephanie solve a crime and then disappeared into the night.

"Hey, I remember Sally Sweet," Lula said. "He was the shit. What's he doing now besides beating on people?"

"Driving a school bus," Connie said. "Guess the rock career didn't work out. He's living on Fenton Street, over by the button factory."

From what I read, Sally Sweet was an MTV car crash. He was a nice guy but he couldn't get through a sentence without using the F word fourteen times. The kids on Sally's bus probably had the most inventive vocabularies in the school.

"Have you tried calling him?" I asked Connie. "Yeah. No answer. And no answering machine."

"How about Cantell?"

"I talked to her earlier. She said she'd kill herself before she'd go to jail. She said you were going to have to come over there and shoot her and then drag her dead body out of the house."

"It says here she held up a Frito-Lay truck?" I asked, knowing the answer. I was just trying to stall so I didn't have to think about everything that was sure to happen. I was going to have to tell Lula and Ranger about the tenth book now.

"Apparently she was on that no-carbohydrate diet, got her period and snapped when she saw the truck parked in front of a convenience store. Just got whacked out at the thought of all those chips. She threatened the driver with a nail file, filled her car with bags of Fritos, and took off, leaving the driver standing there in front of his empty truck. The police asked him why he didn't stop her, and he said she was a woman on the edge. He said his wife got to looking like that sometimes, and he didn't go near her when she was like that, either."

"I've been on that diet and this crime makes perfect sense to me," Lula said. "Especially if she had her period. You don't want to go through your period without Fritos. Where you gonna get your salt from? And what about cramps? What are you supposed to take for cramps?"

"Midol?" Connie said.

"Well, yeah, but you gotta have some Fritos while you're waiting for the Midol to kick in. Fritos have a calming influence on a woman."

Vinnie stuck his head out the door of his inner office and glared at me. "What are you sitting around for? We got three FTAs in this morning and you already had one in your possession. Four FTAs! Christ, I'm not running a charity here."

Vinnie is my cousin on my fathers side of the family and sole owner of Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. He's an oily little guy with slicked-back black hair, pointy-toed shoes, and a bunch of gold chains hanging around his scrawny tanning salon-tanned neck. It's rumored that he once had a romantic relationship with a duck. He drives a Cadillac Seville. And he's married to Harry the Hammer's only daughter. Vinnie's rating as a human being would be in the vicinity of pond slime. His rating as a bonds agent would be considerably higher. Vinnie understood human weakness.

Vinnie pulled his head back into his office, and he slammed and locked the door. Connie rolled her eyes. And Lula flipped Vinnie the finger.

"I saw that," Vinnie yelled from behind his closed door.

"I guess I'm going with you," Lula said, giving me a look. "since I don't have a car or anything." I rolled my eyes at this. It wasn't my fault.

"Try Cantell," Connie said. "She should still be at home."

Fifteen minutes later we were in front of Cantell's house in Hamilton Township. It was a trim little ranch on a small lot, in a neighborhood of similar houses. The grass was neatly cut, but it was patchy with crabgrass and parched from a hot, dry August. Young azaleas bordered the front of the house. A blue Honda Civic was parked in the driveway.

"Don't look like the home of a hijacker," Lula said. "No garage."

"Sounds like this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own the Stephanie Plum series. _

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_Fifteen minutes later we were in front of Cantell's house in Hamilton Township. It was a trim little ranch on a small lot, in a neighborhood of similar houses. The grass was neatly cut, but it was patchy with crabgrass and parched from a hot, dry August. _

_Young azaleas bordered the front of the house. A blue Honda Civic was parked in the driveway. _

"_Don't look like the home of a hijacker," Lula said. "No garage."_

"_Sounds like this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience."_

Chapter 3

We approached the front door and knocked. And Cantell answered.

"Oh God," Cantell said. "Don't tell me you're from the bond agency. I told the woman on the phone I didn't want to go to jail."

"This is just a rebooking process," I told her. "We bring you in and then Vinnie bonds you out again."

"No way. I'm not going back to that jail. It's too embarrassing. I'd rather you shoot me and kill me."

"We wouldn't shoot you," Lula said. "Unless, of course, you drew a gun. What we'd do is gas you. We got pepper spray. Or we could zap you with the stun gun. My choice would be the stun gun on account of we're using my girl's new car and there's a lot of snot produced if we give you a face full of pepper spray. I don't want think she wants a back seat full of snot."

Cantell's mouth dropped open and her eyes glazed over. "I just took a couple bags of chips," she said. "It's not like I'm a criminal."

Lula looked around. "You wouldn't have any of them chips left over, would you?"

"I gave them all back. Except for the ones I ate."

Cantell had short brown hair and a pleasant round face. She was dressed in jeans and an extra-roomy T-shirt. Her age was listed as thirty-two.

"You should have kept your court date," I said to Cantell. "You might have only gotten community service."

"I didn't have anything to wear," she wailed. "Look at me. I'm a house! Nothing fits. I ate a truck full of Fritos!"

"You're not as big as me," Lula said. "And I got a lot of stuff to wear. You just gotta know how to shop. We should go out shopping together some day. My secret is I only buy spandex and I buy it too small. That way it sucks everything in. Not that I'm fat or anything. It's just I got a lot of muscle."

Lula was currently in athletic gear mode, wearing hot pink stretch pants, matching halter top, and serious running shoes. The strain on the spandex was frightening. I was heading for cover at the first sign of a seam unraveling.

"Here's the plan," I said to Cantell. "I'm going to call Vinnie and have him meet us at the courthouse. That way you can get bonded out immediately, and you won't have to sit around in a holding cell."

"I guess that would be okay," Cantell said. "But you have to get me back here before my kids get off the school bus."

"Sure," I said, "but just in case, maybe you want to make alternative arrangements."

"And maybe I can lose some weight before I have to go to court," Cantell said.

"Be a good idea not to hold up any more snack food trucks," Lula said.

"I had my period! I needed those chips."

"Hey, I hear you," Lula said.

After we got Cantell rebooked and rebonded and returned to her house, I drove Lula back to her place.

"That wasn't so bad," Lula said. "She seemed like a real nice person. Do you think she's going to show up for court this time?"

"No. We're going to have to go over to her house and drag her to court, kicking and screaming."

"Yeah, that's what I think, too. Wait. Is that what you think or what you know? Cause you've been actin' a little weird today."

"Yeah. Sorry about that, I'll explain everything later. I kind of have to process a little first." Lula nodded then got out of the car.

I drove over to my parents house. I was expected for dinner tonight. My Grandma Mazur was at the front door, waiting for me.

Grandma Mazur rooms with my parents now that Grandpa Mazur is living la vida loca everlasting. Grandma Mazur has a body like a soup chicken and a mind that defies description. She keeps her steel gray hair cut short and tightly permed. She prefers pastel polyester pantsuits and white tennis shoes. And she watches wrestling. Grandma doesn't care if wrestling's fake or real. Grandma likes to look at big men in little spandex panties. I love Grandma. I think she s completely crazy and at the same time completely awesome.

"Hurry up," Grandma said. "Your mother won't start serving drinks until you're at the table, and I need one real bad. I had the day from heck. I traipsed all the way over to Stiva's Funeral Parlor for Lorraine Schnagle's viewing, and she turned out to have a closed casket. I heard she looked real bad at the end, but that's still no reason to deprive people from seeing the deceased. People count on getting a look. I made an effort to get there, dressing up and everything. And now I'm not going to have anything to talk about when I get my hair done tomorrow. I was counting on Lorraine Schnagle."

"You didn't try to open the casket, did you?"

"Me? Of course not. I wouldn't do such a thing. And anyway, it was locked up real tight."

"Is Valerie here?"

"Valerie's always here," Grandma said, "That's another reason I'm having the day from heck. I was all tired after the big disappointment at the funeral parlor, and I couldn't take a nap on account of your niece is back to being a horse and won't stop the galloping. And she whinnies all the time. Between the baby crying and the horse thing, I'm pooped. I bet I got bags under my eyes. If this keeps up I'm going to lose my looks." Grandma squinted out at the street. "You bring anyone with you? Anyone like, that hot bounty hunter, Ranger?"

"Nope. Sorry Grandma, maybe next time." Grandma asked me that almost every time I saw her. She was under the impression that now that I was definitely not seeing Morelli anymore that I was now going to start seeing Ranger. While, I thought that sounded like an amazing idea, Ranger was still in the whole 'processing the fact that I'm no longer the Stephanie he knew' phase. I didn't want to rush him, but I am still curious. He was acting weird towards me before I told him who I really was and now sometimes I catch him looking at me. I might be reading to much into it, but I plan on questioning him about it soon.

"I'm telling you this town's going to hell in a hand basket. We never had so much crime. It's getting to where you don't want to go out of the neighborhood." Grandma said, out of no where. It was pretty much what she said in the book, if I remember correctly. I had noticed that even though I have changed things and a lot of stuff is different, fate seems to want to play out in pretty much the same manner it did in the books. It helps that I know what is coming, but some things I cant change, some I don't know if I should change, and some I don't want to.

But, Grandma was right about the crime. I saw it escalating at the bond office. More robberies. More drugs on the street. More murders. Most of it drug and gang related. And now I had seen the Red Devil's face, so I was sucked into it.

I found my mom at the kitchen sink, peeling potatoes. My sister Valerie was in the kitchen, too. Valerie was seated at the small wood table, and she was nursing the baby. It seemed to me Valerie was always nursing the baby. Grandma followed me into the kitchen.

My mother stopped peeling when she noticed me. "I heard you blew up a car today?"

"It wasn't my fault." This seemed to be the first thing out of my mouth a lot today. I now knew why Stephanie said it so often, the way people say things like 'I heard you blew up a car today' it sounds so accusatory.

My mother made the sign of the cross and took a white-knuckled grip on the paring knife. "I hate when you blow up cars!" she said. "How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing I have a daughter who blows up cars?"

"You could try drinking," Grandma said. "That always works for me. Nothing like a good healthy snort before bedtime."

My cell phone chirped, and everyone paused while I answered.

"You at your parent's house?" Morelli wanted to know.

"Yeah. Why?" I asked, already knowing the answer. They had a suspect.

"Bad news. You're going to have to miss dinner. One of the guys just brought in a suspect, and you're going to have to ID him."

"Now?"

"Yeah. Now. Do you need a ride?"

"No. I'll be there soon."

"That was Joe," I told everyone. "I have to meet him at the police station. They think they might have the guy who set fire to Lula's car."

"Will you be back for the chicken?" my mother wanted to know. "And what about dessert?"

"Don't wait dinner. I'll get back if I can, and if not I'll take leftovers."

"I'll ride with you to the police station. I could use to get out of the house. And on the way home we could stop at Stiva's to see if they got the lid up for the evening viewing. I'd hate to miss out on seeing Lorraine." Grandma said, not asking, but I didn't mind. Like I said, even though she's crazy, I love her.

Twenty minutes later, Grandma and I cruised into the public parking lot across the street from the cop shop. The Trenton police are housed in a no-nonsense chunk of brick and mortar in a no nonsense part of town that gives the cops easy access to crime. The building is half cop shop and half courthouse. The courthouse half has a guard and a metal detector. The cop half has an elevator decorated with bullet holes.

I looked at Grandmas big black patent leather purse. Grandma was known to, from time to time, carry a. 45 long barrel.

"You don't have a gun in there, do you?" I asked.

"Who, me?"

"If they catch you taking a concealed weapon into the building they'll lock you up and throw the key away."

"How would they know I got a concealed weapon if it's concealed? They better not search me. I'm an old lady. I got certain rights."

"Carrying a concealed weapon isn't one of them." I actually was licensed to carry concealed, now. Ranger helped me get that. He said that since I was going to be carrying my gun all the time, I should be able to hide it. More effective that way, he says. I just like that now I can legally carry my gun the way I had always carried it. I didn't have to worry about getting in trouble this way.

Grandma pulled the gun out of her purse and shoved it under her seat. "I don't know what this country's coming to when an old lady can't keep a gun in her purse. We got a rule for everything these days. What about the bill of health? It says I can bear arms!"

"That's the Bill of Rights, and I don't think it specifically addresses guns in purses."

I locked my car and called Joe on my cell. "I'm across the street," I told him. "And I've got Grandma with me."

"She isn't armed, is she?"

"Not anymore."

I could feel Joe smile across the phone line. "I'll meet you downstairs."

Civilian traffic in the building was minimal at this time of day. The courts were closed, and police business was shifting from front-door inquiries to back-door arrests. A lone cop sat in a bulletproof cage at the end of the hall, struggling to stay awake on his shift.

Morelli stepped out of the elevator just as Grandma and I swung through the front-entrance doors. Grandma looked at Morelli and gave a snort.

"He's wearing a gun," she said.

"He's a cop."

"Maybe I should be a cop," Grandma said. "Do you think I'm too short?"

Thirty minutes later, Grandma and I were back in my car, a new, blue, Chevrolet Equinox.

"That didn't take long," Grandma said. "I hardly had a chance to look around."

"I couldn't make an ID. They picked up a guy who was carrying the backpack, but it wasn't the guy who ran out of the store. He said he found the backpack discarded in an alley."

"Bummer. This doesn't mean we're going to have to go back to the house, does it? I can't take any more of the galloping and the baby talk."

"Valerie talks baby talk to the baby?"

"No, she talks it to Kloughn. I don't like to make judgments on people, but after a couple hours of listening to 'honey pie smoochie bear cuddle umpkins' I'm ready to smack someone."Okay, so I knew she did that but it still freaked me out and I was glad I'd never been there when Valerie called Kloughn cuddle umpkins because I would have wanted to smack someone, too. And my self-restraint isn't as well honed as Grandma's.

"It's too early to go to the viewing," I said to Grandma.

"I guess I could stop in on Sally Sweet. He turned up Failure To Appear today on an assault charge." I said this all cool like, but inside I was jumping around like a crazy person because I was so excited to meet Sally.

"No kidding? I remember him. He was a nice young man. Sometimes he was a nice young woman. He had a plaid skirt I always admired."

I pulled out of the lot, right-turned onto North Clinton, and followed the road for almost a quarter mile. At one time in Trenton's history this was a thriving industrial area. The industry had all vacated or drastically downsized and the rotting carcasses of factories and warehouses produced an ambience similar to what you might find in postwar Bosnia. I left Clinton and wove my way through a neighborhood of small bleak single-story row houses. Originally designed to contain the factory workers, the row houses were now occupied by hardworking people who lived one step above welfare... Plus there were a few oddballs like Sally Sweet.

I found Fenton and parked in front of Sally's house. "Wait in the car until I find out what's going on," I said to Grandma.

"Sure," Grandma said, her hands gripping her purse in excited anticipation, her eyes glued to Sally's front door.

Thirty seconds after Grandma agreed to wait in the car, she was on the sidewalk, following me to Sally's front door.

"I thought you were going to wait in the car?" I said.

"I changed my mind. I thought you might need help."

"Okay, but let me do the talking. I don't want to alarm him."

"Sure," Grandma said. I didn't believe her. I knew what she was going to do, but I just didn't feel up to stopping her. My day had been hectic enough.

I knocked on Sally's front door, and the door opened on the third knock. Sally Sweet looked out at me, recognition kicked in, and his face creased into a grin. My face broke out into a grin as well, because he was exactly as I had imagined him.

"Long time no see," he said. "What brings you to my casa?"

"We're here to drag your behind back to jail," Grandma said.

"Fuck," Sally said. And he slammed the door shut.

**AN: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. Life has been a little crazy, lately. Let me know what you think. I put up links to pictures of what Ranger and Morelli look like in my story on my profile. Check them out. As always, reviews are love and after the week I've had I could use some love. Love A Skoner.**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own Kole and nothing else. _

**AN: Okay. My last story had a slight inconsistency in in. I said that Steph/Kole went to Rangeman and that Steph already had a desk there. Well that was when I planned on doing a later book, but then I changed my mind. I have gone back and changed two of the chapters so that it now fits into the story and makes it so she has never been to Rangeman yet. **

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_I knocked on Sally's front door, and the door opened on the third knock. Sally Sweet looked out at me, recognition kicked in, and his face creased into a grin. My face broke out into a grin as well, because he was exactly as I had imagined him._

_"Long time no see," he said. "What brings you to my casa?"_

_"We're here to drag your behind back to jail," Grandma said._

_"Fuck," Sally said. And he slammed the door shut._

Chapter 4

"What was that?" I asked Grandma.

"I don't know. It just popped out."

I gave another rap on the door, "Open the door," I said. "I just want to talk to you."

Sally cracked the door and peeked at me. "I can't go to jail. I'll lose my job."

"Well, uh, maybe I can help." I said.

The door opened wide, Sally stepped to the side to allow us entry, and I gave Grandma a warning glare, that I knew she would ignore. I wasn't really mad at her, but I didn't want her messing up my first meeting with Sally either.

"My mouth is zipped," she said, making a zipping gesture. "And look, I'm locking the zipper and throwing away the key. See me throw away the key?"

Sally and I stared at Grandma.

"Mmmmf, mmmf, mmf," Grandma said.

"So what's new?" I asked Sally. I was trying to act like I knew him and not like I wanted to hug him and scream about how excited I was to be able to meet him. I always loved reading the books with Sally in them. I'm in love with Ranger but I definitely love Sally Sweet, he's just so awesome and hilarious.

"I get band gigs on weekends," he said. "Weekdays I drive a school bus. It's not like the glory days when I was with the Lovelies, but it's pretty cool."

"And the assault charge?"

"It's bogus, man. I was having a discussion with this dude and all of a sudden he started coming on to me. And I was 'Hey, man, that's not where I live,' you know. I mean, okay, so I was wearing a dress, but that's my professional persona. Wearing a dress is my thing. It's my trademark now. Sure, I was playing support for a rap group, but people still expect me to be in a pretty dress. I'm Sally Sweet, you know? I got a reputation."

"I could see where it might be confusing," Grandma said.

I was trying hard not to laugh. "So you hit him?"

"Only once... With my guitar. Knocked him on his keister."

"Holy cow," I said. "Was he hurt bad?"

"No. But I broke his glasses. The guy was such a pussy. He started it all, and then he reported it to the police. He said I hit him for no reason. Called me a drugged-out guitar player. "

"Were you?" I asked.

"No way. Sure, I smoke weed between sets, but everybody knows weed doesn't count as drugs if you're a guitar player. And I'm real careful. I buy organic. I only do natural drugs, you know. It's okay if they're natural. Natural weed, natural 'shrooms…"

"I didn't know that," Grandma said. I rolled my eyes, I better not be blamed if she starts doing drugs, natural or not.

"It's a fact," Sally told her. "I think it might even be union rules that guitar players have to do weed between sets."

"That makes sense," Grandma said.

"Yeah," I said, "That would explain a lot."

Sally was out of costume, wearing jeans and ratty sneakers and a faded Black Sabbath T-shirt. He was over six feet tall in flats and close to seven in heels. He had a large hook nose, and he had a lot of black hair... Everywhere. He was an okay guy, but he was the books described him as the ugliest drag queen in the tristate area. I couldn't imagine any man in his right mind coming on to Sally.

"Why didn't you show up for your court date?" I asked Sally.

"I had to drive the little dudes. It was a school day. I take this job very seriously."

"And you forgot?" I asked, with a smile.

"Yeah," he said. "I fucking forgot." He closed his eyes and smacked his head with the heel of his hand. "Darn." He was wearing a thick elastic band around his left wrist. He snapped the elastic against his wrist and yelped. "Ow!"

Grandma raised her eyebrows. I widened my eyes slightly, before I remembered he was trying to stop swearing and thought pain might be the answer. Like I said, he's hilarious.

"I'm trying to quit cussing," Sally said. "The little dudes were getting detention for talking trash mouth after getting off my bus. So my boss gave me this elastic band, and I have to snap it every time I cuss."

I looked down at his wrist. It was solid red welts. "Maybe you should think about getting a different job."

"No fucking way. Oh shit! Damn." Snap, snap, snap. I winced slightly just hearing the snaps.

"That's gotta hurt," Grandma said.

"Yeah, it hurts like a bitch," Sally said. Snap.

If I brought Sally in now he'd have to overnight and wait for the courts to open before Vinnie could bond him out again. It also helped that I knew he wasn't going to flee, so I knew I could bring him in during business hours.

"I have to get you rebonded," I said to Sally. "We can arrange a time between bus runs."

"Wow, that would be awesome. I always have a couple hours off in the middle of the day."

Grandma looked at her watch. "We better get a move on if we want to get to the funeral home on time."

"Hey, rock on," Sally said. "Who's laid out?"

"Lorraine Schnagle. I went earlier today but they had the lid down on the casket."

Sally made a sympathetic sound. Tsk. "Don't you hate that?"

"Drives me nuts," Grandma said. "So I'm going back, hoping the lid will be up for the night viewing."

Sally had his hands in his pockets, and he was nodding his head like a bobble-head doll. "I hear you. Give my best to Lorraine."

Grandma's face lit. "Maybe you want to come with us. Even with the lid down it should be a good viewing. Lorraine was real popular. The place will be packed. And Stiva always puts out cookies."

"I could do that," Sally said, still bobbing. "Just give me a second to get more dressed up."

Sally disappeared into the bedroom, and I decided that maybe this day wouldn't be so terrible. I mean yeah, okay, I found out I'm in one of the worst books from my perspective but at least I got to meet Sally.

When Sally reappeared he was still wearing the faded T-shirt, jeans, and ratty sneakers but he'd added dangly rhinestone earrings and a vintage tuxedo jacket. I smiled at him, this was just great. At least I could enjoy my night and forget for a little while about everything else going on.

We all piled into my car and headed across town to Stiva's.

"I'm hungry," Grandma said. "I wouldn't mind having a burger. We haven't got a lot of time, though, so maybe we could do a drive-by."

A quarter mile later I swung into the drive-thru lane of a McDonald's and ordered a bag of food. A Big Mac, fries, and a chocolate shake for Grandma. Cheeseburger and Coke for me. A chicken Caesar salad and Diet Coke for Sally.

"I have to watch my weight"' Sally said. "I have this to-die-for red gown, and I'd be pissed if I fucking grew out of it." He grimaced.

"Oh shit" Snap, snap, snap.

"Maybe you should try not to talk," Grandma said, "You're gonna give yourself a blood clot with all that snapping."

I handed the bag of food over to Grandma for distribution and pulled forward. A guy dressed out in a black do-rag, homeboy jeans, new basketball shoes, and a lot of gold jewelry that flashed in the overhead streetlight exited the McDonald's and headed for a car with a high bling rating. It was a brand-new black Lincoln Navigator with gleaming chrome wheel covers and black tinted windows. I rolled closer to get a better look and confirmed my suspicion. It was Red Devil. He was carrying a huge bag of food plus a drink holder with four cups.

Shit, I was so excited about meeting Sally that I forgot about seeing the Red Devil at McDonald's. I knew he was a bad guy. I knew talking to him was of the bad. But, I my stupid mouth opened before I could stop myself.

"Hey!" I shouted at him, thinking about how stupid I was and that this would most definitely not help me in the slightest. "Wait a minute. I want to talk to you."

He stopped and stared at me and suddenly placed me. "You!" he said. "You're one of the dumb bitches who trashed my bike."

"You're calling me dumb?" I yelled back at him, insulted. It also helped that I knew that he wasn't going to do anything to me right now. "You're the one going around robbing stores dressed up in a stupid mask, riding a little kid's bike. I bet you're too dumb to get a driver's license."

"Dumb bitch," he said again. "Dumb punk-ass bitch." I reached for my gun, I was going to shoot him. I wasn't really thinking, but I hated being insulted my idiotic gang members who were so stupid that they took their mask off during a robbery.

Before I could get a shot off, the passenger side door opened on the Navigator, and I could hear guys laughing inside the car. Red Devil got in, slammed the door shut, and the car came to life.

I decided to do just as Stephanie did in the book and follow them and try to get a license plate number, but even as I decided to do it I knew it was stupid. I was just ensuring that they came after me and while that terrified me, part of me was kind of excited. I knew I would never want to live in Stephanie's world if there wasn't some kind of crazy action every now and then.

"Was that the devil bandit?" Grandma wanted to know.

"Yep." I said.

Grandma sucked in some air. "Let's get him! Ram him from behind, and then when he stops we'll drag him out of the car."

"I can't do that. I have no authority to capture him and I don't want to ruin my car."

"Okay, so we don't capture him. How about we just kick him a couple times after we get him out of the car?"

"That would be assault," Sally said. "And it turns out it's illegal."

I hit the speed dial for Morelli's number on my cell phone. I could of called Ranger, but this was a police matter and I would tell Ranger about it later.

"What do you want?" Morelli answered.

"I found the Red Devil. I'm with Grandma and Sally Sweet, and I'm following the devil guy. We're on State, heading south. I just passed Olden. He's in a new black Lincoln Navigator."

"I'll put it out. Don't approach him."

"Of course not." I said, and I could hear him sigh over the phone.

I gave Morelli the license number and put my phone on the seat, next to my leg. I followed the SUV for three blocks and saw a blue-and-white come up behind me. I pulled to the side, the blue-and-white sped past and put his lights on.

Grandma and Sally were mouths open, eyes glued to the cop car in front of me.

"That guy in the SUV isn't stopping," Grandma said.

The SUV ran a light and we all followed. I knew the cop in front of me. It was Eddie Gazarra, riding alone. He was a likeable blond-haired Polish chunk.

He was probably looking in his rear-view mirror, wishing I'd go away.

The SUV suddenly made a right turn and then a quick left.

Eddie stuck to his bumper, and I stayed with Eddie. I was worried about Gazarra, all by himself, in front of me. My cell was still on, still connected to Morelli.

"We're chasing these guys," I yelled down at the phone, giving Morelli cross streets, telling him Gazarra was in front of me.

"We?" Morelli yelled back. "There's no we. This is a police chase. Go home."

Sally had himself braced in the back seat, his rhinestone earrings reflecting in my rear-view mirror. "He could be right, you know. Maybe we should split."

"Don't listen to him," Grandma said, her blue-veined, bony hands gripping the shoulder strap. "Keep the pedal to the metal! You could be a little careful on the turns, though." she added. "I'm an old lady. My neck could snap like a twig if you whip around a corner too fast."

Without warning, the SUV went into a turn in the middle of the road and skidded to a stop. Eddie laid some rubber and pulled up a couple car lengths from the SUV. I two-footed the brake pedal and stopped about a foot from Eddie's back bumper. I knew what was coming next, my heart started pounding. I pulled my gun out.

"Get down!" I screamed. Grandma and Sally hit the floor.

The rear side window slid down on the SUV, and there was a flash of rapid gunfire from inside the car. The blue-and-white's windshield crumbled and I saw Eddie jerk to the side and slump.

"Fuck, ' Sally said from the back seat. Snap.

"I think Eddie's shot!" I yelled at my phone, as I opened up my door and shot at the SUV. I was aiming at the open window. I heard someone from inside the car yell, "Shit!" and then the SUV took off, wheels spinning, and was out of sight within seconds. I ran to check on Gazarra. He was hit twice. A bullet had grazed the side of his head. And he had a shoulder wound.

"Shit," I said to Gazarra. "You okay?"

Gazarra looked at me through narrowed eyes. "Do I look like I'm okay?"

"Well, it could have been worse." I said, smiling at him slightly.

"Gripes, what happened? It was like World War III broke out."

"Seemed like the gentlemen in the SUV didn't want to chat with you."

I'd stripped my T-shirt off and had it pressed to Gazarra's shoulder wound. I was wearing my lacy Victoria's Secret Wonderbra and I was sure all the cops were going to enjoy that. There was undoubtedly a first aid kit in the squad car, but I figured my shirt would be quicker and I easier. Even if it did leave me in just my bra, I had a coat in my car I would put on once the paramedics got here. I was pressing hard enough that my hands weren't visibly shaking, but my heart was racing and my breathing was ragged. I was a little frightened, but mostly it was the adrenaline from the car chase and shoot out. Grandma and Sally were standing huddled together in silence by my car.

"Is there anything we can do?" Grandma asked.

"Talk to Joe. He's on the cell phone. Tell him Gazarra needs help."

Sirens were screaming in the distance, and I could see the flash of police strobes a block away.

"Shirley's gonna be pissed," Gazarra said. "She hates when I get shot."

The first cop car angled in. It was followed by a second blue-and-white and Morelli in his SUV. I took a step back to allow the men access to Eddie.

Morelli looked first to me and then glanced over at Gazarra. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I was covered with blood, but it wasn't mine. "I didn't get hit. Eddie's been shot twice, but I think he's going to be all right."

I guess there are places in this country where cops are always perfectly pressed. Trenton wasn't one of those places. Trenton cops worked hard and worried a lot. Every cop on the scene had a sweat-soaked shirt and grim set to his mouth, including Morelli.

"They opened fire with an automatic weapon from the back seat," I told Morelli, as I walked over to my car and reached into back for my jacket. Well, actually it was a Rangeman wind coat that Ranger had left at my apartment, so it covered me up and made me feel a little better at the same time. "We were coming out of the McDonalds drive-thru on State, and I saw the devil guy cross the lot and get into the Lincoln. The devil guy got into the front passenger seat, so he wasn't the shooter. He had four drinks with him, so there were probably three other guys in the car. I followed him out of the lot and called you. You know the rest."

Morelli slid an arm around me and pulled me close, resting his cheek on mine. "I don't want to get mushy here in front of the guys, but there was a moment back there when I heard shots fired over the phone... And my heart almost stopped."

"Nice to know,"' I said, pulling away from him. "It happened so fast. No one got out of a car. Eddie was still buckled into his seat belt. They shot him through the windshield. I returned fire and I think I hit one of them, possibly the shooter."

"I'm going to need your gun then, to check ballistics. I'll try to get it back to you in a few days. The Lincoln was stolen. They probably thought Gazarra was going to bust them."

"No, it was me," I said, as I handed over my gun. I hoped he got it back to me quickly, I felt naked and vulnerable without it. "This is all my fault. The Red Devil knew I recognized him."

An EMT truck arrived and parked next to Gazarra. Cops were directing traffic, securing the area, shouting over the static and chatter of the dispatch radio.

"It's uncanny the way you stumble into this stuff," Morelli said. I didn't say anything to that, since I could have just drove away but I hadn't. I'm still not sure why I didn't, but I was going to be yelling at myself about it later.

Grandma was standing behind us. "Two disasters in one day," she said. "I bet it's a personal record."

"Not even close." Morelli said. His eyes darkened as he motioned to my now covered up breasts, "I like the new look."

"I used my T-shirt as a compress." I said, after rolling my eyes.

My skin was pale and clammy, and my forearms were goose-bumpy. I didn't like that I had almost got Eddie really hurt. I hated knowing that I could have prevented him from being shot if I had just drove away and kept my big mouth shut. So much for enjoying my night.

"I need to get back to my parents' house and have some dessert." I said, knowing it's what the other Steph would say and I also thought it sounded like a pretty good idea.

"I could use some dessert, too," Grandma said. "Probably they don't have the lid up on Lorraine, anyway." She turned to Sally. "I know I promised you a good time at the funeral parlor, but it didn't work out. How about some dessert instead? We got chocolate cake and ice cream. And then we can send you home in a cab. My son-in-law drives a cab sometimes, so we get a break on the rates."

"I guess I could eat some cake," Sally said. "I probably burned off a couple hundred calories just now from fright."

"Are you going to be okay to drive?" Morelli asked.

"Yeah. I'll be fine." I answered.

"Okay, be careful." He said, as he went back to work.

My mother was on the front porch when we arrived. She was rigid with her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pressed tight together.

"She knows," Grandma said. "I bet the phone's been ringing off the hook."

"How could she know?" Sally asked. "We were way across town, and it's been less than an hour, start to finish."

"The first call always comes from Traci Wenke and Myron Flatt on account of they listen to the police band on their radios," Grandma said. "And then Elsa Downing probably called. She finds out early because her daughter works as a dispatcher. And I bet Shirley called to see if she could drop the kids off so she could go to the hospital."

I parked my car, and by the time I got to my mother her face was white, and I expected steam to begin curling out of her ears at any moment. "Don't start," I said. "I'm not talking about it until I've had some cake."

My mother wheeled around without a word, marched to the kitchen, and sliced me a wedge of cake. It really surprised me that I pretty much treated my mother or well Steph's mother the same way that the real Steph had.

I followed after her. "Ice cream, I said, as I washed the blood of my hands. I would have to wash the blood off my steering wheel tomorrow.

She scooped half a tub of ice cream onto my plate. She stepped back and looked at me.

"Blood," she said.

"Not mine."

She made the sign of the cross.

"And I'm pretty sure Eddie's going to be okay."

Another cross.

There'd been places left at the table for Grandma and me. I took my place and shoveled in cake. Grandma brought an extra chair from the kitchen for Sally and bustled around filling plates. The rest of the family was silent at the dining-room table. Only my father was active, head down, forking up chicken and mashed potatoes. Everyone else was frozen in their seats, mouths open, eyes wide, not sure what to make of me with the blood on my pants. It had gotten there while I was helping Eddie, but at least I had a coat on and they couldn't see the blood on my chest.

... And Sally in his earrings.

"You all remember Sally, don't you?" Grandma asked as introduction. "He's a famous musician, and he's a girl sometimes. He's got a whole bunch of pretty dresses and high heel shoes and makeup. He's even got one of them black leather bustier things with pointy ice cream cone breasts. You don't even hardly notice his chest hair when he's got that bustier thing on."

"How can he be a girl sometimes?" Mary Alice wanted to know.

Mary Alice is in third grade and is two years younger than her sister, Angie. Mary Alice can ride a bike, play Monopoly if someone helps her read the Chance cards, and can recite the names of all of Santa's reindeer. She's in the dark on gender crossing.

"I just dress up like a girl," Sally said. "It's part of my onstage persona."

"I'd want to dress up like a horse," Mary Alice said.

Angie looked at Sally's wrist. "Why are you wearing an elastic band?"

"I'm trying to quit cussing," Sally said. "Every time I cuss I snap the elastic band. It's supposed to make me not want to cuss anymore."

"You should just say a different word than the cuss word," Angie said. "Something that sounds like the cuss word."

"I've got it!" Grandma said. "Fudge. That's what you should say."

"Fudge," Sally repeated. "I don't know... I feel silly saving fudge."

"What's the red stuff all over Aunt Stephanie?" Mary Alice wanted to know.

"Blood," Grandma said. "We were in a shoot-out. None of us got hurt, but Stephanie was helping out Eddie Gazarra. He was shot twice, and he had blood spurting all over the place."

"Eeeuw," Angie said.

Valerie's live-in boyfriend, Albert Kloughn, was seated next to me. He looked down at my blood-spattered pants and fainted. Crash. Right off his chair.

"He fucking fainted," Sally said. "Oh f-f-fudge." Snap.

I was done with my cake, so I went to the kitchen and tried to clean up my pants but it was kind of useless. I just needed to go home and change.

When I got back to the table Albert was sitting in his seat. "I'm not squeamish or anything," he said. "I just slipped. It was one of those freak accidents."

Albert Kloughn was about five foot seven, had sandy blond hair showing the beginnings of male pattern baldness, and the chubby face and body of a twelve-year-old. He was a lawyer, of sorts, and he was the father of Valerie's baby. He was a sweet guy, but he felt more like a pet than a future brother-in-law. His office was located next to a laundromat, and he dispensed more quarters than legal advice.

There was a light rap on the front door, the door opened, and Joe walked in. My mother was immediately running for an extra plate, not sure where she was going to put it. Even with the leaf in, the table could only accommodate eight, and Joe made ten. I didn't really know what he was doing here, but wasn't all that surprised to see him. He had come over in the book, but he and Steph had been dating then. I didn't say anything though because I honestly didn't really care. As long, he just was here as my friend.

"Here," Kloughn said, jumping to his feet, "you can have my place. I'm done eating. I don't mind. Honest."

"Isn't he a cuddle umpkins?" Valerie said.

Grandma hid behind her napkin and made a gagging gesture. Morelli held his response to a benign smile. My father kept eating. And it occurred to me that cuddle umpkins fit Kloughn perfectly. Even if it did make my skin crawl hearing awful is that?

"Now that everyone's here, I have an announcement to make," Valerie said. "Albert and I have set a date to get married."

This was an important announcement because when Valerie was pregnant she was thinking she might hold out for Ranger or Indiana Jones. This was a worrisome situation since it was unlikely either of those guys would be interested in marrying Valerie.

Valerie's opinion of Albert Kloughn improved with the birth of the baby, but until this moment my mother harbored the fear that she'd be saddled with Valerie gossip for the rest of her life. Unwed mothers, horrific painful deaths, and cheating husbands were the favorite topics of the Burg gossipmongers.

"That's wonderful!" my mother said, clapping a hand to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm so happy for you."

"A wedding!" Grandma said. "I'll need a new dress. And we need a hall for the reception." She dabbed at her eyes. "Look at me...I'm all teary."

Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs.

"I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums," she said.

Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and gave me a look that clearly said 'You are so lucky you never tried to call me that.'

Although it would have been fun to see his face if I ever had.

Kloughn was standing at the end of the table with a glass of wine in his hand. "I have to make a toast," he said. "To the future Mrs. Kloughn!"

My mother went still as stone. She hadn't totally thought through the consequences of Valerie's marriage to Albert. "Valerie Kloughn," she said, trying not to show her horror.

"Holy crap," my father said.

I leaned close to Morelli. "Now I'm not the only clown in the family," I whispered, with a smile.

Morelli raised his glass. "To Valerie Kloughn," he said.

Kloughn drained his glass and refilled it. "And to me! Because I'm the luckiest man ever. I found my lovey pumpkin, my one true lovey dovey, my big fat sweetie pie."

"Hey, wait a minute..." Valerie said. "Big fat sweetie pie?"

Grandma refilled her wineglass, "Somebody stun-gun him," she said. "I can't take no more."

Kloughn rushed on. His face was flushed, and he'd started to sweat. "I've even got a baby," he said. "I don't know how that happened. Well, I mean, I guess I know how it happened. I think it happened on the couch in there..."

Everyone but Joe sucked in some air. Joe was smiling. "And to think, I almost missed this," he whispered to me.

My mother looked like tomorrow she'd be shopping for a new couch. And my father was studying his butter knife... Undoubtedly wondering how much damage he could do. Good thing the carving knife was in the kitchen.

"It usually takes Kloughns years to get pregnant," Albert said. I had my napkin over my mouth trying to hide my smile and stop the laughter that wanted so badly to bubble out.

"Historically we have a low mobility. Our guys can't swim. That's what my father always said. He said, Albert, don't expect to be a father, because Kloughns can't swim. And look at this. My guys could swim! It's not like I was even trying. I just couldn't figure out how to get the thingy on. And then once I got it on, but I think it had a hole in it, because it seemed like it was leaking. Wouldn't it be something if that was the time? Wouldn't it be something if my guys could swim through the thingy? Like I had Superman guys!"

Poor Snuggy Uggums was motoring down the road to doom, gaining momentum, out of control with no idea how to stop.

"Do something," I said to Joe. "Stop him!"

Morelli was still wearing his gun. He took it off his hip and pointed it at Kloughn.

"Albert," he said, very calmly. "Shut up."

"Thank you," Kloughn said. And then he wiped the sweat off his forehead with his shirttail.

"What about dessert?" my father wanted to know. "Isn't anyone going to serve dessert?"

It was close to nine when I finally made it home. I got a shower to clean all the dried blood off of me and threw my pants in the garbage. I got my pajamas on and crawled into bed. I was so upset that I had actively caused a shoot out just because I act before I think. I even knew to shut up and yet I didn't. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind of everything that was sure to happen now that book ten has begun, as I fell asleep. I didn't succeed because that night I woke up screaming many times with nightmares. But they weren't as bad as in comparison to how they would be after this whole mess was over, relatively speaking anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own Kole and nothing else. _

**AN: I know a lot of the dialogue is the same as in the books for my first few chapters. I will be changing things up from now on. The first few chapters Steph/Kole was in shock and kept things mostly the same. There will still be some things that are the same just like in my last story, but now a lot more is going to be changed and altered. Thank you for all the great reviews. **

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_It was close to nine when I finally made it home. I got a shower to clean all the dried blood off of me and threw my pants in the garbage. I got my pajamas on and crawled into bed. I was so upset that I had actively caused a shoot out just because I act before I think. I even knew to shut up and yet I didn't. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind of everything that was sure to happen now that book ten has begun, as I fell asleep. I didn't succeed because that night I woke up screaming many times with nightmares. But they weren't as bad as in comparison to how they would be after this whole mess was over, relatively speaking anyway._

Chapter 5

When I woke up in the morning, I sat in my bed for a few minutes and looked out the window. The bedroom window in my apartment looks out at a blacktop parking lot. The apartment building was constructed in the seventies and is totally lacking in charm and amenities. The interior of my apartment is one step away from college dorm. Decorating is one of the many things on my to-do list.

I got up and did my morning routine. Run, shower, and eat. I was running almost seven miles a day now and I was thinner and more in shape. I loved it and it also made it easier on my takedowns. I still wanted more training and to cut back on my running and do other exercises to work my muscles more. I would work on that, it was also on my to-do list.

After I was done eating, I tapped on Rex's cage.

"Do you think I should just hide away in my apartment until this whole Slayer thing blows over?" I asked him. Rex just stared up at me, blinked, then ran into his soup can.

"Yeah, thanks for all your help. You're a regular Dr. Phil." I said, as I rolled my eyes.

I was just going to get ready to leave when I heard a knock at the door.

"Howdy," Grandma Mazur said when I answered the door. "I was out for a walk, and I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop by for a cup of coffee."

"That's a long walk."

"The house was getting real crowded."

"I was just going out," I told Grandma. "I have a couple people to pick up this morning."

"I could help! I could be your assistant. I'd be good at it. I can be real scary when I try."

I grabbed my bag and threw on a jacket. "I don't actually need anybody scary, but you can come if you want. I was planning on going to the office to say hi. And then I'm going to get Sally so he can reschedule."

Grandma followed me out the front door, to the curb.

"This sure is a pip of a car," Grandma said. "I don't remember you ever getting a new car. This is real nice and you haven't blown it up yet."

"I don't plan on ever blowing it up, if I can help it. I really like it. Its fast and safe and just big enough without being to big. Not to mention its really cute."

Lula was at the door when I parked in front of the bonds office. I knew she was going to tell me we needed to go over to Cantell's, so I didn't bother to park. I just stopped in middle of the street.

"We got an emergency call. Remember the chip lady? Well, she's having some kind of a breakdown. Connie just got off the phone with the chip lady's sister, and Connie said we should go over there and see what's happening." Lula said.

"Yeah, I know. Lets go." I said.

"Oh, yeah. Of course you know. Oh," Lula said, peeking in the car window. "We got Grandma on board."

"I'm helping Stephanie this morning," Grandma said. "What's a chip lady?"

I tuned out their conversation, as Lula got in and I drove over to Carol's. I was going to have to sit down tonight and think about everything. I was also going to have to talk to Lula and Ranger about book ten. I didn't want to tell them everything, but I had to tell them some things and I was going to have to talk to Ranger before he went 'in the wind'.

I was hoping that I would still be able to stay at Rangeman if I needed to and I was also really excited about seeing it. I've always wanted to just hang out at Rangeman for a day. I think it would be awesome.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I turned into Cantell's neighborhood. A woman, who I knew to be Carol's sister, was standing on Cantell's front porch. She took a startled step back when she saw the three of us get out of my car.

"Hunh. Wonder what she's lookin at," Grandma said.

"Yeah, I wonder." I said, sarcastically, looking over at Lula as she hitched up her fuchsia and black animal print spandex pants.

I approached the porch and handed the woman my business card. "Hi, I'm Stephanie Plum."

"I remember you," the woman said. "You had your picture in the paper when you burned the funeral home down."

"Yeah, well it really wasn't my fault." I said, truthfully. I mean honestly, I wasn't even there. Stephanie was, but I wasn't. I had noticed that people did bring that up a lot. They always had this way of saying it, that made me feel like they were accusing me. I wasn't sure if it was because they were or if was just me.

"It wasn't my fault either," Grandma said.

"I'm Cindy, Carol's sister. I know she's been having a hard time so I called her this morning. Just checking in, you know? And as soon as I heard her I knew something was wrong. She didn't want to talk on the phone, and she was real secretive. So I came over here. I only live two blocks away. She wouldn't answer her door when I knocked, so I went around back and that door was locked, too. And the shades are all drawn. You can't see into the house at all."

"Maybe she just wants to be alone," Lula said. "Maybe she thinks you're nosey."

"Put your ear to the window," Cindy said.

"You think Carol held up another truck, don't you?" I said, stopping Lula from putting her ear to the window. It was pointless, I already knew what she would hear.

"Yes!" Cindy said. "I didn't want to call the police. And I didn't want to call her ex-husband. He's a real jerk. If I'd been married to him, I'd be a little nutty, too. Anyway, I remembered Carol saying how nice you all were, so I thought maybe you could help."

I slammed my fist against the front door. "Carol. It's Stephanie Plum. Open the door."

"Go away."

"Open the door or I will break it down." I screamed.

The door flew open and Carol stood in the doorway, holding a bag of Cheez Doodles. She had doodle dust in her hair, lining her lips and all over her clothes.

"Whoa," Lula said. "It's fright night."

"What is it with you people?" Carol screeched. "Don't you have lives? Go away. Can't you see I'm having breakfast?"

"What should we do?" Cindy asked. "Should we call 911?"

"Lula get all the bags of chips gathered up, please." I said.

"You can't take my chips!" Carol cried.

"You're a nut," Lula said, prowling through the house, gathering up stashed bags of chips. "You got no self-control. You need Chips Anonymous."

Lula opened a bag of Doritos and ate a held out a grocery bag. "I found this in the kitchen. We can put the chips in it and take them with us so she isn't tempted to eat any more."

"That was the plan." I told her. I knew that in the book Steph gave them to Cindy because she thought if she had them she would eat them. I knew I would eat a few, but I also knew that Lula and Grandma Mazur would eat most of them.

Grandma looked over at Carol.

"Are you gonna be okay if we take all these chips? You aren't gonna flip out, are you?"

"I'm okay now," Carol said. "Actually, I feel kind of sick. I think I'm going to lie down for a while.

"We filled the grocery bag with the remaining chips and left Carol standing at the door, the pallor of her skin looking slightly green under the orange doodle dust. Cindy drove off and Grandma and Lula and I stuffed ourselves into my car with the chips.

"So what kind do you want first?" Lula asked, once we all got in.

"I had my eye on that bag of barbecue chips." Grandma said.

"Sour cream and onion for me" I said.

"Here you go," Lula said, handing out the chips. We all started to eat our chips.

"Now what?" Lula wanted to know. "I'm not going to have to go back to the filing, am I?"

"Sally Sweet's next up," I said, after rolling my eyes. I don't remember Lula ever filing and I was sure she wouldn't start today just because we didn't have anything to do.

"I'm in," Lula said.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own Kole and nothing else. _

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_"Now what?" Lula wanted to know. "I'm not going to have to go back to the filing, am I?"_

_"Sally Sweet's next up," I said, after rolling my eyes. I don't remember Lula ever filing and I was sure she wouldn't start today just because we didn't have anything to do._

_"I'm in," Lula said._

Chapter 6

Sally lived on the opposite side of town. By the time we got there, he'd be done with his morning bus run, and it'd be a good time to bring him in and get him rebonded.

I called Morelli on the way over because I knew he would have news, I also wanted to see how Eddie was doing.

"He's going to be okay." Morelli said. "He'll probably get released from the hospital tomorrow."

"That's good. Anything else going on?"

"There was another devil holdup last night. This time the firebomb worked and the store burned down."

"Anyone hurt?"

"No. It was late at night, and the store was empty. The night manager got out the back door. The word on the street is that the Comstock Street Slayers are bragging about the cop shooting."

"So the Red Devil robberies are being done by someone in the Slayers. There probably isn't much chance of _you_finding him" I said to Morelli, emphasizing the 'you' in my sentence.

"That would be my guess as well. To the best of our knowledge there are twenty-eight active Slayers. And probably that figure is low."

I wasn't even going to ask about riding around in the neighborhood. I really didn't want to, but I had a feeling that with the way things seem to work out, that I would be driving through their neighborhood sooner or later.

I disconnected and turned onto Fenton Street. It was easy to find Sally's house. A big yellow school bus was parked at the curb.

I pulled up behind the bus, and we all got out.

Sally opened the door with the security chain still in place. "I've changed my mind," he said. "I don't want to go."

"Well too bad, you're going" I told him.

"I didn't do anything wrong. And now if I go with you I'm going to have to pay more money, right? Vinnie's gonna have to write another bond, right?"

"Yeah. Okay how bout this, I'll go talk to Marty Sklar and try and get him to drop the charges. He is the one who hit on you right?" I said through the door.

"Yeah, do you know him?" Sally asked. It was kind of a trick question because _I _didn't know Marty but the real Steph did, but I did know where I could find him.

"Something like that." I said, not really lying.

"That'd be great. You're fucking amazing! Oh, f-f-fudge." SNAP! I winced and then smiled as Sally took the security chain off.

Grandma looked down at her watch. "You're going to have to take me home now. I have a beauty-parlor appointment this afternoon, and I don't want to be late. I got a lot of ground to cover today what with the shooting and all."

We said goodbye to Sally and I promised to let him what happened with Marty and then we were on our way to the burg. I dropped Grandma off in front of my parents' house. My sister's car was in the driveway.

"They're planning the wedding," Grandma said. "Ordinarily I'd be right there, but it looks to me like this is going on for days. They spent two hours this morning talking about what kind of suit Mr. Cutie Uggums was going to wear. I don't know how your mother does it. That woman has the patience of a saint."

"Who's Mr. Cutie Uggums?" Lula wanted to know.

"Albert Kloughn. He and Valerie are getting married." I told her.

"That's scary," Lula said.

"You have no idea." I replied.

Lula and I made our way to the Toyota dealership the Marty Sklar works at once we got rid of Grandma. I parked in the area reserved for customers, and Lula and I went searching for Sklar.

"This here's a butt-ugly showroom," Lula said. They should buy some new carpet. And what's with the nasty plastic chairs? For a minute there I thought I was back at the office."

A guy in a sports coat ambled over, and it took me a moment to realize it was Marty Sklar. He was short, his hair was balding, he was wearing glasses and he had a big beer belly.

"Stephanie Plum," Marty said. "I remember you. Joe Morelli used to write poems on bathroom walls about you."

"Yeah. I carry a gun now." I said, taking a step back as he leaned towards me. There was no way I was going to let this guy touch me or my lips. I might not have my gun on me right now, but I did still carry one usually.

"A gun." He said, as he wiggled his eyebrows and smiled a creepy slime ball smile. It gave me the urge to throw up. I took another step back as he stepped towards me again and my cell phone fell out of my pocket and broke into a couple pieces.

"Great, just great." I said, as I picked up the pieces and shoved them into my purse. I stood back up and saw Marty licking his lips. Yuck.

"Hey," Lula said when she saw him take another step towards me. "Why don't you back your ugly ass up before she uses her gun to shoot your fat ass!"

Sklar cut his eyes to Lula. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Lula. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Marty Sklar."

"Hunh," Lula said.

"Here's the thing, Marty. I want to talk to you about Sally Sweet." I said, before Lula could say anything else.

"What about him?"

"I thought you might want to drop the charges. It turns out he's hired a really good lawyer who's found a bunch of witnesses who've officially stated you came on to Sweet." I decided to stick to what Steph said in the book. It worked and I wasn't really in the mood to come up with some other lie for this pig.

"He hit me with his guitar."

"That's true, but I thought you might not want it to go public about the sex thing."

Once I had convinced Marty to drop the charges against Sally me and Lula left the showroom.

We didn't say anything until we were out of the lot.

"Girl, you can lie!" Lula yelled when I turned my car onto Broad.

"You are the shit. I almost gave myself a hemorrhoid trying not to laugh back there. I can't believe how good you can lie. I mean I've seen you lie before, but this was like Satan lying. It was inspired lying."

I started laughing.

"It wasn't really me, I mean it was in the book and I just figured since it worked in the book it should work now too." I said, without realizing that I had just spilled my little secret.

"What do you mean in it worked in the book, White Girl? You said that book was over." Lula asked, watching me. "Are we in the next book? Is that why you been acting so weird?"

I drove two blocks up Broad and pulled into a Subway shop.

"Yes, this is the next book. Look let's get lunch and I'll fill you in." I said, hoping she would agree.

"Alright. I am hungry and I listen better when I've got food." Lula agreed.

We each got a sub. And then we each got six doughnuts. We sat in the car and ate the sub and the doughnuts, as I explained about how I realized it was the next book and then I gave her a general recap of the tenth book. I told her that I was going to tell her about it, I just wasn't really sure how to bring it up.

She listened and told me that she would help me anyway she could and she really didn't want anything bad to happen to me. She was also really excited that I was going to see Rangeman soon. She made me promise to tell her all about it.

I crumpled my wrappers and shoved them into the doughnut bag, after I finished talking and eating.

"So, what do you know about the Slayers?" I asked Lula.

"I know they're bad news. There's a whole bunch of gangs in Trenton. The Comstock Street Slayers and the Bad Killer Cuts are the two big ones. Used to be you only heard about Slayers on the West Coast, but they're everywhere now. Kids join up in prison, and then they bring it back to the street. Comstock Street is gangland these days."

"Morelli said the Slayers are bragging about shooting Eddie Gazarra."

"Bummer. You better watch out on account of you disrespected Red Devil, and he was hanging with those guys. Not to mention, you shot one of them. You don't want to get on the bad side of a Slayer. I'd be real careful of that if I was you."

"You're the one who shot up the devil guys tire!"

"Yeah, but he didn't know it was me. He probably thought it was you. You're the big-deal bounty hunter. I'm just a file clerk."

"Speaking of file clerk, I should really get you back so you can start on your filing for the day" I told her with a smile, knowing what she was going to say.

"Yeah, but who's gonna watch out for your ass then? Who's gonna help catch the bad guys? You know what we should do? We should go take a look around Comstock Street. Maybe we could get the Red Devil, then you wouldn't have to worry about the rest of the book. We can just cut it off right now."

"I don't want to get the Red Devil. He shoots at people. He's a police problem, besides this ends badly. Trust me, I know. I've read it."

"Boy, what's with you? You changed the last book, so why not change this one. You've already changed, you said you shot one of the guys in the SUV but the Steph in the book didn't. See already different."

"I am not going the go to Comstock Street. Even if I did change the book and something bad wouldn't happen, I am not going to risk it." I told her. I was not going to be reckless again, last time I did what the book did I got Eddie shot.

"Well, we don't have to actually do anything. We could just ride around in the neighborhood. Maybe talk to a couple people. I bet we could find out who the devil guy is. You're the only one who knows what he looks like."

Lucky me.

"Look Lula, nothing good comes from it and we almost get killed. Let's not and say we did." I told her.

"Okay, but I really don't want to go back to the office. I don't wanna file, I'd rather drive through hell."

"How about we go shopping instead? I need to get a new cellphone and a couple other things that I need." I asked, knowing she would probably like this idea.

"Shopping works too." Lula said.

I drove in the direction of the mall.

We shopped and talked for a couple hours. I got a new cellphone to replace my broken one, that I didn't have very long, and a new laptop because Steph's was kind of old. I also got a couple other little things that I needed. Lula helped me pick things out, she found me a cellphone case that was pretty colors and was ridged so it wouldn't fall as easy.

I was going to have to be more careful, I might have money now but not enough to keep buying new cellphone every month.

When we were done at the mall we headed back to the office. I didn't bother to ask Connie to search anything for me, I knew the Red Devil wouldn't be in our files. I also knew that Ranger is going to show up at the bond's office a few minutes after I get there and tell me he's 'going into the wind'.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own Kole and nothing else. _

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_When we were done at the mall we headed back to the office. I didn't bother to ask Connie to search anything for me, I knew the Red Devil wouldn't be in our files. I also knew that Ranger is going to show up at the bond's office a few minutes after I get there and tell me he's 'going into the wind'._

Chapter 7

On our way to the office, I filled Lula in on Eugene Brown. I told her what I remembered and also about how in the books, we kind of bounced him off the hood of my car. She thought that was kind of funny. I didn't. She also thought it was a good idea that we didn't go to Comstock Street.

On our way there, I got a call from Morelli saying that I could come pick up my gun because they were done with it. We made a quick stop at the police station and I got my gun. I hadn't realized how much I missed it, until I got it back.

When we got to the office, Connie was going through files.

"Hey, where were you guys?" Connie asked.

"At the mall. Steph dropped her phone and needed a new one." Lula told her.

"How'd you do that?" Connie asked, looking at me.

"It was an accident. It fell." I told her. I didn't say anything else, I was too nervous. I knew Ranger was going to come in soon and tell me he was leaving. I didn't get a chance to tell him about being in the next book or to ask him about training me. I was also really nervous as to what he would say.

What if he didn't come and didn't say anything. I mean he has only known me for a little while. I'm not the Steph he used to know, the one he would tell when he was leaving. I mean I hope he cares enough about me to tell me, but what if he doesn't.

I was making myself even more nervous, the more I thought about it. I was going to have to wait to talk about the books and training until Ranger got back. I would also have to confront him about the weird way he has been acting, with the sweet kisses and the way he lets his blank mask slip away. Or well he was acting weird before I told him about me. He still looked at me differently when he thought I wasn't looking and according to Lula I wasn't the only one who noticed it.

My internal freak-out was interrupted when I saw Connie and Lula go still and fix their eyes on the door behind me. I knew Ranger was the only one who could make them look like that. I took a deep breath to calm myself.  
A warm hand settled at the base of my neck, and I felt Ranger lean into me.

"Babe," he said, softly.

"Hey, Ranger," I said, my voice surprisingly steady.

Ranger tightened his hold on my neck. I wasn't sure if he was going to say anything else because Vinnie's inner office door opened, and Vinnie stuck his head out.

"What's up?"

"I'm going out of town for a couple weeks," Ranger said. "Tank will be on the job, if you need him." Ranger turned to me. "I want to talk to you...outside."

Ranger's black Ford F-150 FX4 was parked curbside. A black SUV with tinted windows was parked behind the truck. The SUV had its motor running and I knew Tank was the one driving.

I followed Ranger out of the office, glancing first at the SUV and then at the heavy traffic on Hamilton.

"And if I need something? Will Tank help me as well?" I asked, trying to flirt, but at the same time actually wondering. I mean I'm still not sure where me and Ranger are and I don't know if he would still want his guys to help me out.

He ran a fingertip along my hairline and tucked a stray curl behind my ear. "It depends what you need. Did you have something special in mind?"

Our eyes held, and I felt something in me calm. Ranger was flirting back, almost exactly what he said to Steph in the book, but still flirting back. It wasn't love, but it was something.

Ranger pulled a little black box out of his pocket and handed it to me. I was really confused and was pretty much just standing there staring at it stupidly. Ranger hadn't given Steph a box in the book. This was different and I was still standing there staring at the box like an idiot.

I looked up at Ranger, but he had his blank face on. I reached to open the box, but Ranger grabbed my hand and stopped me.

"Don't open it, yet. Wait until you get home." he said. I was a little confused, but nodded and put it in my pocket. Then Ranger surprised me again when he pulled me into the alley, pressed me against the brick wall, and kissed me. It was a very passionate kiss and Ranger was completely molded against me. It was amazing and it left me breathless.

"Wha?" was all I was able to say coherently after that. I was hoping he would realize I was trying to ask him what the hell that was for.

"Just a goodbye kiss. I am leaving for a little while." Ranger answered, as he put me back on the ground.

"Call Tank if you need anything and be careful, Babe." And then before I could try to form words, he was gone.

Lula and Connie were shuffling papers, trying to look busy, when I returned to the office.

"Is he gone?" Lula wanted to know.

"Yeah."

"Lord, he makes me nervous. He is so hot. I got flashes. Look at me. I'm having a flash. I'm not even in menopause, and I'm hot flashing."

Connie rolled back in her chair. "Did he tell you where he was going? How long he'd be away?"

"No, but he never does." I said.

Connie was probably worried because Ranger did most of her high-stakes bonds. I was pretty good at doing high-stake bonds recently, but Connie was still hesitant to give them to me.

"I hate when he does this," Connie said.

"I been noticing the last two times he took off there was a coup in Central America," Lula said. "I'm going home, and I'm watching CNN"

I left the office and headed home. I was just pulling away from the bonds office when I remembered that Sally would be at my parent's house. I debated it for a few seconds before turning towards my parent's house.

I wasn't going to pass up seeing Sally. I really liked him and I was also looking forward to watching my mother go even more insane.

I had to park in the driveway when I got to my parents' house because of the big yellow school bus at the curb.

Grandma was at the door, waiting for me. "Guess who's here?" she said.

"Sally?"

"He came over because he was so excited that the charges were dropped. And he's been real helpful on account of Valerie's still here, and we've been discussing the bridesmaids' dresses. Valerie wants pink, but Sally thinks they should be a fall color since it's fall."

Valerie was in the kitchen, sitting at the table with the baby hanging from her neck in a sling apparatus. My mother was at the stove, stirring a pot of marinara. Sally was sitting across from Valerie.

"Hey, man, thanks for getting the charges dropped," Sally said. "I got a call from the court. And then Sklar called me just to make sure I wasn't gonna go ahead with the lawyer. I didn't know what to say at first, but I just went with it. It was real good."

I sat down next to Sally. "Glad it worked out."'

"So what do you think of the dresses?" Valerie wanted to know.

"So, who's gonna be your bridesmaids?" I asked Valerie, changing the subject away from the hideous dresses. It wasn't my wedding thankfully.

'You'll be my maid of honor. And then there's Loretta Stone-houser. And Rita Metzger. And Margaret Durski as bridesmaids. And the girls can be junior bridesmaids."

"I'm thinking pumpkin would be a good color for the bridesmaids' gowns," Sally said.

I cut myself a piece of cake and sat and waited. I knew it wouldn't be long before the wedding planner would be brought up. Then all I will have to do is try to convince them that pumpkin might clash with something.

"You know what we need?" Grandma said, right on cue. "We need a wedding planner. Like that movie. Remember where Jennifer Lopez is the wedding planner?"

"I could use help," Valerie said. "It's hard to find the time for everything, but I don't think I can afford a wedding planner."

"Maybe I could help plan the wedding," Sally said. "I have extra time between my bus runs."

"You'd be a perfect wedding planner," Grandma said. "You have a real eye for color, and you got ideas about all that seasonal stuff. I would never have thought to have pumpkin gowns."

"It's settled then. You're the wedding planner," Valerie said.

My mother's attention wandered to the pantry. I knew she was thinking about the whiskey bottle hidden behind the olive oil. I loved that Sally was going to be the wedding planner, it was just hilarious. My mom obviously didn't like it, but it didn't really matter.

"You know I don't think we can have pumpkin bridesmaid dress." I said, hoping I could talk them out of this.

"Why not?" Valerie asked.

"Well, pumpkin would be amazing but don't you think it would clash with Rita Metzger's hair?" I said, hoping against hope that luck was on my side. I didn't know anything about Rita Metzger, so I didn't know what her hair looked like.

"Oh my god, you're right. Rita is a red head. Pumpkin would look horrible on her. Thanks Steph." Valerie exclaimed. Her and Sally started brainstorming other ideas and I just sat there in shock that my lie had actually worked.

"Well, good luck with the wedding planning. I have to go. I'll see you all later." I said and then finally I was on my way home.

Once I got home, I got a shower and changed into some comfy sweatpants and a Superman shirt. I had some things to do. I set up my new laptop and got a pen and notebook. I also grabbed the files Ranger had brought over about me and my two friends I asked him to find for me, when I first woke up here.

I haven't read them yet. I hadn't even looked at them again after that day, but I was going to now. I set all my stuff on the table and I also grabbed my gun and set it on the table. I don't know why, but I just felt better having it there.

I made myself a coffee and sat down at my makeshift desk. I was planning on reading thorough the files Ranger gave me and seeing what I could find. I was also going to write down everything I can remember happening in each book, in the order they happened in. I don't want to forget anything really bad later. I was also going to make a list of some of the things that I wanted to do and change.

I started writing down what I remembered from book ten and then started working on the other books. I was only on book twelve, when I remembered that Ranger had given me a box today.

I ran into the bathroom and found the pants I had been wearing and pulled the box out of my pocket. I walked back into the kitchen and set the box on the table.

I just kind of stared at it. I wasn't sure what it could be. I mean what in the world would Ranger give me before he leaves to go 'in the wind' and not want me to open until I was at home, presumably alone.

I stood up and walked away from the table.

"You are being ridiculous, it's a freaking box. It's not that big of a deal. Just open it." I muttered to myself as I paced around my kitchen.

I finally convinced myself I was being crazy and to open the box. I went over and picked up the box.

I opened the lid and almost dropped the damn thing. I was so shocked. I had not been expecting that. I sat down at the table and just stared at it.

Inside the box, was a necklace with a silver Batman symbol pendant with 'Babe' engraved on it.

I honestly didn't know what it meant. I mean Ranger had been sending me mixed signals for a while now, understandably. He had never given the other Steph something like this.

Yeah, Ranger was going to have some explaining to do when he got home. Until then, though, I was going to wear this beautiful and amazing gift.

Once I put the necklace on and stared at it in the mirror for a little while, I went back to work. I wasn't sure what was going through Ranger's head, but his gift had made me feel very loved and special. I would worry about what it meant once I survived book ten.

I sat there for hours writing and reading and making lists. I probably would be doing the same thing tomorrow night as well, but I already felt better knowing that what I could remember from the books was written down.

I had read the files on me and my friends. It still made me feel uncomfortable when I read the 'deceased' part of my file, but everything else in it was stuff I already knew. It told me about my life. It was surprisingly accurate. My friend's files had no information. There were people with their names, but they weren't the right people.

My friends didn't exist here. That made me sad and confused. I mean why would there be a file for me, but not them. Was it because I was technically dead, or because I was the only one who came into this world? I didn't know.

I looked at the time and saw that it was really late. I cleaned up my table and put my stuff in a safe place, or well as safe a place I could find. I was going to have to get a safe, and a security system.

I put my gun on my bed stand, crawled into bed and passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_Inside the box, was a necklace with a silver Batman symbol pendant with 'Babe' engraved on it…_

_I sat there for hours writing and reading and making lists. I probably would be doing the same thing tomorrow night as well, but I already felt better knowing that what I could remember from the books was written down…_

_I looked at the time and saw that it was really late. I cleaned up my table and put my stuff in a safe place, or well as safe a place I could find. I was going to have to get a safe, and a security system._

_I put my gun on my bed stand, crawled into bed and passed out._

Chapter 8

In the morning, after my run and shower, I had breakfast while looking over my notes from the night before. I was just rereading them to make sure I didn't miss anything or might remember something that I forgot to write down. Everything seemed accurate and I couldn't remember anything else that I might have missed.

After I ate, I dropped a blueberry into Rex's cage.

"Hey Rex, how are you this morning?" I asked him. Rex twitched his nose then grabbed the blueberry and ran into his can.

"Yeah, I love you too." I said. I rolled my eyes at myself and got ready to go. I looked down at my necklace. I still couldn't believe that Ranger had given this to me. I felt so loved just wearing it. I shook myself out of my Ranger thoughts, I had other things to deal with before Ranger was even back in the country.

I opened the front door and stopped. "Shit."

There was graffiti was on the front door. Not just any graffiti, gang symbols. I had forgotten about this. I remember that this happened at Morelli's in the book. I didn't think this would happen at my apartment, especially since I hadn't gone to Comstock with Lula.

A sudden thought hit me. 'My car.' They had painted graffiti on the Buick in the book, they had better not have touched my car.

I ran outside and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that my car was untouched. I didn't know why they didn't, but I really didn't care because I was just happy that my car wasn't covered in graffiti.

A wave of fear hit me. I was hoping to avoid becoming a target for the Slayers, but I guess I hadn't. I didn't know a lot about gangs, but I was coming up to speed fast.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself down. I didn't need to freak out, yet.

I went back up to my apartment, snapped a picture of the symbol on my door, and called Dylan, my building's super. Dylan was up in a few minutes.

"Hey, Dylan. You think you can do something about this?" I asked, pointing to the graffiti on my door. He looked at it for a moment and told me he could take care of it, if I happened to have any beer.

"Yeah, there's some in the fridge. Help yourself. I have to go to work, can you lock the door when you're done?" I asked. He readily agreed and I thanked him, and then went back down to my car.

I wasn't going to tell Morelli about the gang symbols on my door because I knew he would just freak out and I didn't really want to deal with him today. I would've told Ranger but he wasn't here, so I was going to keep it to myself for the time being.

Ten minutes later, I was at the bond's office. Lula and Connie were inside and greeted me as I entered.

"Damn girl, you look you got no sleep" Lula commented.

"Gee, thanks." I said sarcastically, as I plopped down on the couch.

"You should know Vinnie's not happy. He said there's just five days left on Roger Banker's bond" Connie told me.

Banker was a repeat offender; well that's what his file said anyway. His name dinged something in my memory, but I couldn't place it. I had been looking for him for a while. He was unemployed, living off an indeterminate number of loser girlfriends and loser relatives. And he was hard to spot.

Banker had no memorable features. Lula and I had been collecting photographs of him and committing the photographs to memory with hopes that would help. I had no problem dragging his ass in, once we found him, but finding him was harder than anticipated.

"Okay," I said, "let's make the rounds. Maybe we'll get lucky."

The rounds consisted of Lowanda Jones, Beverly Barber, Chermaine Williamson, and Marjorie Best. There were other people and places to include in the Banker hunt, but Lowanda, Beverly, Chermaine, and Marjorie were my top picks. They all lived in the projects just north of the police station. Lowanda and Beverly were sisters. They lived four blocks apart, and they were a car crash.

I drove, since Lula still didn't have her car back from it bursting into flames and whatnot. It was being fixed right now, I was paying for it. I told Lula about my idea to write everything down and about how I was making a list of the things I wanted to do or change about my life now that I was here as Steph. I also told her about my lovely door decoration from this morning. Lula listened and asked me of she could look over my notes and maybe help me make my list of what I wanted to change. She said she had some ideas. I told her I would love that and invited her over tonight to do just that.

We cruised into the projects. "Who's first up?" Lula asked.

"Lowanda," I told her.

The projects covered a large chunk of Trenton real estate that was less than prime. A lot less than prime. The buildings were redbrick, government-issue low rise. The fencing was industrial chain-link. The cars at the curb were junkers.

"Good thing for the gang graffiti or this would be real drab," Lula said. "Wouldn't you think they could grow grass? Hell, plant a bush."

I didn't say anything, but I was getting a sense of déjà vu. I knew I had been here before with Lula a couple times, but I still felt like this was different, like I should be remembering something about this time.

I turned onto Kendall Street and parked two doors down from Lowanda's garden apartment. The term garden being used loosely. We'd been here before so we knew the layout. It was a ground-floor unit with one bedroom and seven dogs. The dogs were of varying sizes and ages. All of indeterminate breed.

We got out of the car cautiously, on the lookout for the pack of beasts.

"I don't see any of Lowanda's dogs," Lula said.

"Maybe they're in the house."

"Well, I'm not going in if they're in the house. I hate those dogs. Nasty-assed humpers. What's she thinking, anyway, to keep a pack of pervert dogs like that?"

And I remembered why this was making me remember, because this is something that I should remember. This was in the book. This was where Steph and Lula got attacked and humped by a bunch of dogs. I was a little nervous now. There was no way in hell that I was going to let a pack of crazy dogs hump me.

We knocked once. No answer.

"Maybe we should just come back tomorrow." I said, hoping we could just get back in the car and leave.  
"No way, I know she's in there," Lula said. "I can hear her talking, doing business."

Lowanda did phone sex. She didn't look like she was rolling in money, so I was guessing she wasn't all that good at the job. Or maybe she just spent her money on beer, cigarettes, and chicken nuggets. Lowanda ate a lot of chicken nuggets. Lowanda ate chicken nuggets like Carol Cantell ate Cheez Doodles.

"Look Lula, Banker's not here. This was in the book, so I know we won't find him here and we will also end up being attacked by the horny dogs. So let's just go." I said.

"Come on White Girl, we can just look and get out before the dogs get us. I don't see em anywhere, or hear em. Do you?" Lula asked, I couldn't argue with that and besides we had come much later in the day in the book so we probably wouldn't even see the dogs.

I knocked again and tried the doorknob. The door wasn't locked.

I held the door open a crack, and Lula and I peeked in. No dogs in sight.

We stepped over a suspicious stain on the rug and stared into the jumbled mess that passed for Lowanda's home. There was a mattress on the floor in the far corner of the living room. The mattress was covered with a tattered yellow chenille spread. An open, empty pizza delivery box was on the floor by the mattress.

Clothes and shoes were scattered everywhere. A couple rickety folding chairs had been set up in the living room. The backs of the chairs said 'Morten's Funeral Parlor.' A big brown leather recliner had been placed in front of the television. The recliner had a gash in one arm and in the seat, and some of the stuffing was spilling out.

Lowanda was in the recliner with her back to us, a phone to her ear and a bucket of chicken nuggets balanced on the roll of fat that circled her waist. She was wearing gray sweats decorated with ketchup stains.

"Yeah, honey," she said into the phone. "That's good, baby. Oh yeah. Oh-h-h-h yeah. I just got myself all naked for you. An' I got love oil on myself 'cause I'm gonna get hot."

"Hey!" Lula said. "Lowanda, you paying attention here?"

Lowanda jumped in her seat and whipped around to look at us.

"What the hell?" she said. "What are you doing scaring me like that when I'm trying to earn a honest living?" She returned to the phone. "Excuse me, sugar. Lowanda's got a small problem. Could you just work on yourself some? I be right back." She covered the phone with her hand and got up, some of the chair stuffing sticking to her double-wide ass. "What?"

I was getting a bad feeling. This was sounding just like the book. This could not be happening. I refused to be humped by dogs.

"We're looking for Roger Banker," Lula said.

Lula went back and forth with Lowanda and then went to search the other rooms.

"I'm willing to pay for information," I told Lowanda, because I really couldn't remember what information she had. "Do you have any information?"

"How much you paying?"

"Depends on the information," I said.

"I got an address." She handed the phone over to me. "You talk to this guy, and I'll write it down."

"Wait a minute,"

"Hello?" Mr. Stiffy said. "Who's this?"

Aw, hell no. that was Vinnie's voice and this was so not happening.

"Vinnie?"

"Stephanie? Christ." Disconnect.

Lowanda came back with the paper. "Here it is," she said. "This is where he's staying."

I looked at the paper. "This is your sister's address."

"And? What happened to my caller?"

"He hung up. He was done."

Lula returned to the living room. "Lowanda," she said, "you better do something about your kitchen. You got a cockroach as big as a cow in there."

I gave Lowanda a twenty.

"This is it? This is all I get?" Lowanda said.

"If Banker's at Beverly's house, I'll be back with the rest of the money."

"Where's the dogs?" Lula asked, looking around.

"Out. They like to go out when the weather's nice." Lowanda said.

Lula opened the door and looked around. "How far out do they go?"

"How the hell do I know? They go out. And they stay out all day. Out is out."

"Just asking, no need to get touchy. You don't exactly have the best-mannered dogs, Lowanda."

Lowanda had her hands on her hips, lower lip stuck out, eyes narrowed. "You dissin' on my dogs?"

"Yeah," Lula said. "I hate your dogs. Your dogs are rude. Those dogs are little humpers."

"Wasn't so long ago people was saying that about you," Lowanda said. "You got some nerve coming around here asking for information and then dissin' my dogs. I got a mind to never give you no more information."

I grabbed Lula before she removed Lowanda's eyes from her eye sockets, and I shoved Lula out the door. I couldn't believe this, we came at a different time of day and it was still playing out the same way in the book. I was really getting sick of Fate making me do things I was trying to avoid.

"Don't. We're leaving." I said to Lula.

"I think she insulted me," Lula said. "I'm not ashamed of my past. I was a damn good 'ho. But I didn't like the tone of her voice just now. It was an insulting tone."

"I don't care what tone she had... get your ass in the car before the dogs get us."

"What's with you and the dogs? Here I just been insulted, and all you can think about is the dogs."

"Do you want to be standing here when those dogs come running around the corner of the building? Cause that's exactly what is going to happen."

"Hunh. I could take care of those dogs if I had to. It's not like I'm afraid of those dogs."

"Well, I'm afraid of those dogs, so haul ass."

And that was when we heard them. Yipping, yipping, yipping in the distance. On the move. Getting closer. Somewhere out of sight, to the side of the building.

"Oh shit," Lula said. And Lula started running for the car, knees up, arms pumping.

I was two steps in front of her, running for all I was worth. I could hear the dogs round the corner. I turned to look, and I saw them right behind us, eyes wild, mouths open, tongues and ears catching wind. They were closing ground fast, the biggest of them in the lead.

Lula let out a shriek. "Lord help me!"

I guess the Lord was listening because they ran past Lula and came after me. I pulled open my car door, jumped in, and slammed the door. I could hear the dogs hit the door and saw them jumping at my window. I breathed a sigh of relief and then gasped in shock as the dogs turned to Lula.

Lula shrieked as they turned on her. She tried to run away, but the first dog hit her square in the back, sending her to her knees. Not a good position to be in when you're attacked by a pack of humpers. She tried to push it herself back up, but the dogs were on her, and she couldn't get up. She had humpers on both legs, and a bulldog that looked like Winston Churchill humping her head.

There was a humper on a humper.

"Help me! Get your skinny ass out here and save me!" Lula yelled at me.

"Get up!" I yelled at her. "You gotta get up! Those dogs'll hump you to death."

Dogs in inferior humping positions were snarling and nipping, jockeying for better locations. The leg humpers held tight, grimly determined to finish the job, but the head humper kept losing his grip. He'd hump some and slide off, and then he'd come scrambling back, trying to hump again.

"I can't get up!" Lula said. "I've got seven humping dogs on me. Seven. Do something!"

"I am not getting out of the car, so you're going to have to save yourself."

"Ah, hell! I'm just gonna let em finish. They'll go away once they finish." Lula screamed. I figured that could work, since there was no way I was going to try and save her. I loved Lula, but I was not going to be humped by dogs.

The door to Lowanda's apartment crashed open, and Lowanda yelled out to Lula. "Hey!" she said. "What are you doing to my dogs?"

"We aren't doing anything," I said, after I rolled down my car window. "They're humping Lula."

Lowanda had a bag of dog kibble in her hand. She shook the bag and the dogs stopped humping and looked around. Lowanda shook the bag some more and the dogs gave a couple last halfhearted humps and took off for the kibble.

"Dumb-ass bounty hunters," Lowanda said, disappearing into the house with the dogs, slamming and locking the door behind her.

"I thought you were a goner," I said to Lula, as I got out of the car.

She was on her back, breathing heavy, eyes closed. "Give me a minute."

"You're a mess," I said. "Those dogs humped all over you. And you got something in your hair from that bulldog."

I helped Lula stand up.

"I'm going with drool. It looks like drool, right?" Lula asked.

"Um, sure. Just so you know, I don't feel bad about the humping. I warned you that we should just leave, but noooo. You didn't see any dogs." I said, smiling while Lula huffed at me.

Lula and I moved to the safety of the car, and I made my way Beverly's apartment.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: This chapter isn't very long, but I wanted to get you an update. I am working on the next chapter which will be longer and should be up by Friday. I have made a website for my fan fiction, so check it out and vote for who should be Ranger at www(dot)loveaskoner(dot)webnode(dot)com **

**Review and let me know what you think.**

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_"You're a mess," I said. "Those dogs humped all over you. And you got something in your hair from that bulldog."_

_I helped Lula stand up._

_"I'm going with drool. It looks like drool, right?" Lula asked._

_"Um, sure. Just so you know, I don't feel bad about the humping. I warned you that we should just leave, but noooo. You didn't see any dogs." I said, smiling while Lula huffed at me._

_Lula and I moved to the safety of the car, and I made my way Beverly's apartment._

Chapter 9

Beverly's apartment looked a lot like Lowanda's, except Beverly didn't have a recliner. Beverly had a couch right up against her television. The couch was partially covered with a blue sheet, and I feared there was a gross stain under the sheet, too terrible for even Beverly to overlook.

"You can't come in here now," Beverly said when she opened the door. "I'm busy. I got my honey here, and we were just getting it on."

"More information than I need," Lula said. "I was just humped by a pack of crazy ass dogs. I had enough humping for a long time."

"Those must be Lowanda's dogs," Beverly said. "I don't know what the deal is with those dogs. I never seen anything like it. And three of them is female."

"We're looking for Rodger Banker." I said to Beverly.

"That's inconvenient. You gonna arrest him?"

"We're going to take him to the station to get rebonded."

"Then what? Then you gonna let him go?"

"Do you want us to let him go?" Lula asked.

"Well, yeah."

"Then that's what we'll do," Lula told her. "He'll be in and out. And on top of that, we'll give you a twenty if we get to take him in."

Lowanda and Beverly would give their mother up for spare change.

"Okay, I guess I could tell you then," Beverly said. "He's the honey in the back room. And he might be a little indisposed." Just like that, I felt stupid. I should have remembered that he was here, I could have saved Lula from the whole 'humping' incident. I mean this wasn't really a big part of the book, it's not like Rodger was important to the major storyline, but I had forgotten that he was here. I remembered the humping dogs but only because that was a funny and memorable part of the book and even then I didn't remember it until we were already at Lowanda's.

"Roger," Beverly called out. "I got a couple ladies out here want to see you."

"Bring them back," Roger said. "I can handle them. More is better when it comes to ladies."

Lula and I looked at each other and did some eye rolling.

"Tell him to get dressed and come out here to meet us," I said to Beverly.

"You should put some pants on and come out here," Beverly said. "They don't want to meet up with you in the back room."

We could hear some rustling and fumbling, and Banker strolled out. He was wearing khaki pants and sneakers. No socks, no shirt.

I was betting on no underwear.

"Roger Banker," Lula said. "This here's your lucky day on account of we come to give you a free ride to the clink."

Banker blinked once at Lula and once at me. And then he whirled around and ran for the kitchen door.

"Cover the crappy car in the front," I yelled to Lula. "I'm sure it's Banker's."

And I took off after Banker, pushing around Beverly, following Banker out the back door. Banker was running fast. He jumped a section of chain-link and disappeared around the end of the building. I jumped and cleared the fence, just behind him.

Banker wasn't that far ahead of me. He made it to the street and threw something at my car just as I tackled him and we both went down. I pushed my knee into Banker's back and pulled his hand back and cuffed him. Before I could get off the ground, Lula screamed "Oh shit!" and then there was a loud explosion.

I stood up and looked at my car. My car, which was now no longer my car. It had exploded. That asshole. This didn't happen in the books, he didn't explode any cars in the books. I would have remembered that.

I saw Lula getting up off the ground. I was pissed off; I had just bought that damn car. It didn't even last one year. I was hoping I would be able to get around the bad car karma, but apparently not.

"Let go of me, you stupid bitch." Banker screamed as I hauled him to his feet and started to pull him towards Lula. I threw Banker to the ground.

"Don't move." I said glaring at him. I helped Lula off the ground.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah, white girl. I'm fine. That dumbass blew up your car. That's two cars in a week. I guess you have bad car karma also. Oh, that was close," Lula said then turned towards Banker. "You, you almost killed me and blew up her car. What the hell were you thinkin?"

"I didn't want to go back to jail." He said.

"Well, too bad." I said. I wanted to kill him. The stupid idiot had blown up my new car. I thought I had avoided the part of the book where my car went up in flames, guess not. I turned when I heard the sirens in the distance. Great, my car is in flames and now I have to deal with the police.


	10. Chapter 10

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

"_Yeah, white girl. I'm fine. That dumbass blew up your car. That's two cars in a week. I guess you have bad car karma also. Oh, that was close," Lula said then turned towards Banker. "You, you almost killed me and blew up her car. What the hell were you thinkin?" _

"_I didn't want to go back to jail." He said. _

"_Well, too bad." I said. I wanted to kill him. The stupid idiot had blown up my new car. I thought I had avoided the part of the book where my car went up in flames, guess not. I turned when I heard the sirens in the distance. Great, my car is in flames and now I have to deal with the police._

Chapter 10

A few minutes later, I was handing off Banker to the cops on the scene and started telling them what had happened as the flames from my car were being put out.

It wasn't really surprising that Morelli pulled up before I had finished giving my statement. It was a little surprising though when I saw a black SUV pull up behind him. Tank and Lester got out and started towards me.

"Hey Cupcake, another car. Seriously? It's only been two days. This might be a new record." Joe said as he got to me.

"Shut up, Joe. This wasn't my fault and stop calling me Cupcake for crissakes." I said to him and then walked around him over to Tank and Lester. I heard him curse and walk away behind me.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked them.

"Your car went off the radar. Are you okay?" Lester asked, as they both seemed to scan my body for injuries.

"I'm fine. My asshole skip thought it would be fun to blow up my car. My new car, that I just got. Cal and Junior will be so upset." I told them, starting angry and ending sad.

"Why would Cal and Junior be upset?" Tank asked, looking confused.

"Well, because they helped me pick out and buy my car. My car that is now dead. I can't believe that asshole blew up my car."

"Oh." Tank said, as verbal as ever.

It was at this point that I realized I had no car. Wait, that reminded me of something that happened in the book. Steph had blown up her car in the beginning of the book, but when she needed one she used Ranger's truck. It was big and black and brand new. It came fully loaded with all sorts of toys and customized options. And it smelled like expensive new leather and Ranger...an aroma that really couldn't be beat.

"Hey I kind of don't have a car now and Ranger said if I needed anything to ask you," I said to Tank sort of trailing off at the end and leaving it open to see what he would say. He shared a look with Lester and then smiled a little.

"Ranger said that we were to keep you safe while he was gone and he also told me to give you his truck if you needed it." Tank told me.

It was at this point that Lula finished talking to the cop who was questioning her about what happened and made her way over to us. Tank took a step away was on his phone for a minute and then was back standing in front of me.

"Hey white girl, how we getting back to the office. Cause I'm ready to leave and I think we might need to stop and get some food on the way back, I almost died I be needin some food." Lula said as she stood next to me.

"The truck will be here in a few minutes. If you don't need anything else, we need to get back to the office." Tank told me.

"Actually there is something I wanted to talk to you about. Do you think you could make some time for me tomorrow?" I asked Tank.

Tank looked a little confused as to what I could want to talk to him about, but he told me he would call me tomorrow and tell me when he had time. Then he and Lester told me to be safe and call if I needed anything and then they left.

I hoped that Tank would be able to help me with my training and maybe a security system, since Ranger wasn't here right now. Or at the very least talk to me about and tell me what he thought. He wasn't really my friend or anything, but I was hoping that eventually he would be. Considering he was Ranger's friend, as well Lula's future boyfriend.

The truck arrived exactly on time, followed by a black SUV.

Cal got out of the truck and handed me the keys.

"Here you go Steph. Sorry about the car. If you need helping picking out a new one, I'd be happy to help." Cal said and then he got into the SUV and took off.

"Hunh. Girl, that looks a hell of a lot like Batman's truck." Lula said, as she stared at the truck.

"Well, Lu, that is Batman's truck." I said, smiling.

"Well, alright." Lula responded as we both got into the truck. I think there might be something wrong with me because I enjoyed sitting in Ranger's truck way more than I should.

We stopped and picked up some food on our way to the bonds office, but I made Lula wait to eat it until we got out of the truck. I didn't want to risk eating in Ranger's truck.

Once we got to the bonds office, I gave my receipt to Connie and started eating as she wrote me a check.

"Why exactly does it look like you're driving Ranger's truck?" Connie asked.

"Cause our girl here, gone and got her car blown up." Lula told her, as she threw herself onto the couch.

"I did not get my car blown up, that idiot Banker blew up my car without any encouragement from me." I said, glaring at Lula.

"Well, I'd be real upset right now except for the fact that I was just in Batman's truck and that was like heaven. Is it just me or does it even smell orgasmic?" Lula asked.

"Nope, not just you," I responded.

"Are you coming to my place with Lula? You said you wanted to read my lists and help me?" I asked her, after we had finished eating. It was getting late and I was definatly done for the day.

"Damn skippy I'm coming." She said as she got up off the couch, I grabbed my bag and check and told Connie I'd see her in the morning.

"I love that you are including me in your planning, white girl. It makes me feel all special that I'm the only one who knows all about who you really are." Lula said, as I started driving to my apartment.

"Ranger knows too."

"Yeah, but I'm the only woman you told. Besides, Ranger doesn't count. He's Batman. He would have figured it out if you hadn't a told him and besides, you told me first so that makes me even more special." Lula reasoned. That made me smile, she was always saying the greatest things.

"Yeah, Lula, I guess you are right. You are pretty special." I told her, still smiling.

My cell phone chirped in my bag. "It's me," Connie said. "Vinnie just left for the day, and his last directive was that you're responsible for Carol Cantell. He doesn't want any screw-ups."

"Sure," I said and disconnected.

I pulled into my lot and while Lula was getting out I thought about Ranger and his truck. I'd ridden with Ranger, and I knew he always had a gun tucked away, hidden from view. I felt under the seat and found the gun. If it had been my truck and my gun, I'd have removed the gun. Ranger left it in place. Trusting.

I left the gun there and closed and locked the truck, as I made my way over to Lula and up to my apartment. I was planning on telling her about everything and letting her read through my notes and lists. She said she had some ideas for me and I planned on listening.

I was also going to talk to her about me going to Rangeman tomorrow and the gang symbols that had been left on my door. I was also going to show her the necklace that Ranger had given me and see what she thought. It had been around my neck all day, but hidden by my shirt so nobody had seen it. I really needed her opinion about it and Ranger.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Okay, I know it's been a long time and I'm sorry. Real life has been crazy lately, but it is now summer and I am planning on updating every week. I am already working on the next chapter and hope you can forgive me for waiting so long between updates. I also want to thank everyone who reviewed! Thank you and I hope you enjoy this new chapter, review and let me know.**

**Relatively Speaking**

By

Kole

_Previously…_

_I left the gun there and closed and locked the truck, as I made my way over to Lula and up to my apartment. I was planning on telling her about everything and letting her read through my notes and lists. She said she had some ideas for me and I planned on listening. _

_I was also going to talk to her about me going to Rangeman tomorrow and the gang symbols that had been left on my door. I was also going to show her the necklace that Ranger had given me and see what she thought. It had been around my neck all day, but hidden by my shirt so nobody had seen it. I really needed her opinion about it and Ranger._

Chapter 11

When we got up to my apartment I grabbed my lists and notes while Lula grabbed some beers out of the fridge.

I sat down at the table, as she opened the beers and handed one to me.

"Okay, so here's what I have so far. I'm still working on it all, but I wanted to write down everything I could remember happening from each of the books." I told her, as I handed her my notes on each book.

"That's a real good idea, White Girl. This way you don't forget nothing and me reading it now, means I'll be able to help you with what's comin next." Lula said, nodding her head then starting to read.

I hadn't really thought about how helpful it would be to have Lula know about what happens in all the books. I just wanted to be completely honest with her, but now that she mentioned it, it would be incredibly helpful to have someone else know and be able to help me change things and also recognize what was a part of the books and what wasn't.

While Lula read, I reread through my to-do list. I would have to add something about my car back in there, since it was now a goner. I did have insurance on it though, so maybe that would cover a new one. I wanted to get the same car again, since I loved that car.

I was also a little nervous about talking with Tank. I knew it was on my list and that I had already asked Tank if he could talk to me, but I wasn't sure how that would go. Would he be willing to help me? I know Ranger told him to help me, but that probably didn't cover training and security. I knew Ranger was going to be home soon, so I probably wouldn't really even get to get started on anything, if Tank even agreed, but I wanted to talk to Tank about it before Ranger. I wanted to include the Merry Men in my training. I wanted the chance to get to know them, so it was important what Tank thought of my idea.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by Lula screaming.

"Lula, what the hell?" I asked, getting worried. Lula looked at me and then down at my notes and then took a breath and calmed down.

"This here says that me and that fine piece of man, Tank, get together. Why didn't you tell me? That seems like something one would tell their best friend!" Lula, sort of screamed at me.

"Oh that. I was going to tell you, but I wanted to try and come up with a solution first." I told her.

"A solution? A solution for what? You don't want us to get together? That don't seem fair, Girl. I'm here being all supportive of you going after Batman and you don't want me to get a fine piece of man for myself. Hmmp, that's not fair at all."

"Whoa, Lula! You got it wrong. I want you to be with Tank."

"You do? Then, what you mean by solution?" Lula asked.

"Of course I do. I meant I needed to find a solution so that you two didn't break up. If you keep reading, you'd see that you guys breakup in a later book. I wanted to find a way to stop that before you guys got together, so that neither of you got hurt. Cause you guys did get hurt. You were great together and really in love and I just want you to have that and be happy. So, I was trying to find a solution." I told her.

She looked at me, a little shocked, and then took a long drink from her beer.

"Well, why didn't you just say that in the beginning? Geez, White Girl, coulda saved a lot of worrying."

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry bout that." I replied, shaking my head and smiling.

"So, what was the problem with me and Tank? Why did we breakup?" Lula asked.

"Cats. Tank had cats and you're allergic. Tank loves his cats and didn't want to get rid of them and you didn't want to take allergy pills, so you broke up. It was horrible cause you guys were really happy and so I've been looking for a solution. I think this could be solved with allergy shots. You would only have to get them every 4 weeks and I know you hate shots, but it might be worth it." I told her.

I watched her process what I was saying, before she responded. I had noticed that about Lula recently, it was like she was changing too. She acted differently than what I read, even from when I first got here. She was still Lula, just different, in a good way. It wasn't all the time and I don't think anyone else had noticed.

"Well, I do hate shots, but I mean if I was all happy and in love with Tank, like you say, then I might do it for him. I mean, I'll think about it, if me and Tank start to get serious." Lula said.

"That's all I ask. I mean I want you to be happy and from what I read Tank makes you happy. But, I have also changed a lot of the storyline so I don't know what going to happen with you and Tank. You guys might not get together or might never get too serious."

"Bite your tongue, woman. I am going to get together with Tank and you're going to help me." Lula ordered. I just laughed and nodded, as she went back to reading the rest of my notes on the books.

It took her about twenty more minutes to read the rest of my notes about the books. She would make faces, gasp, and swear at things she was reading every now and then, but she read it all without commenting any more after the Tank discussion.

"Wow, White Girl. This shit is crazy." Lula said, once she was done. "I can't believe this is all going to happen and I can see now why you are scared about this book. I mean being chased by Slayers and a hit man is so scary shit."

"Yeah, but I don't actually know that it's all going to happen. Some things changed in the last book. I also don't know if I forgot anything, I mean I can't remember the books word for word. I am scared, but I'm also excited and it also helps that I know that these things are going to happen."

"Hell yeah. Knowing means we can stop them or at least try." Lula said.

"Here's my to-do list and just some notes and stuff about personal stuff I want to change or do." I told Lula, handing her the rest of my notes.

"You know, I'm real happy that you letting me read all your notes and help you with this change stuff. You're my best friend and it makes me feel real special that you're talking to me about this and asking for my help." Lula told me, before she even looked at my other notes.

"Well, you are special Lula. I don't know what I'd do without you. You are my best friend and I really want your help. I really care about your opinion." I told her.

Lula smiled at me and started reading over my to-do list and my notes about my life and what I wanted to change in it. She was making noises and faces, again, and every now and then would look up at me. I was a little nervous about what she thought. I knew she had some ideas and I couldn't wait to talk to her about them.

"Wow, Steph. This is a lot of stuff. It's gonna take a while to talk about all this and everything else we be needing to talk bout. We could probably talk better if we had some food though, don't you think?" Lula said, after she finished reading.

"Sure, Lu. What do you want to eat?" I asked, laughing a little. I could always count on Lula to be hungry.

"I was thinking Chinese. I could eat some eggrolls."

"Alright, I'll order, we'll eat and then we'll finish talking." I told her, as I got up to get the menu and the phone.


End file.
